


ME:Lost

by pianochic90



Series: Commander Jane "Jae" Shepard [2]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, F/M, Memory Loss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-08
Updated: 2016-08-13
Packaged: 2018-03-29 13:27:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 40
Words: 33,933
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3898009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pianochic90/pseuds/pianochic90
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Memory is the strongest fuel in the flame of our existence. It guides our steps, strengthens our resolve, and continues our story long after we fade away. (An AU Jae Shepard story)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Vancouver

Lt. Kaidan Alenko loved Vancouver. The crisp coldness of the air. The green of the trees, the blue of the sky, colors so bright it hurt his eyes. Most of all, he loved his parents - his tall silent dad, small soft mom, and their remote cabin a couple hours outside the big city. They were his anchor, a safe port in the storm of military life.  
He spent many evenings slouched comfortably in the worn dock chair. Same green jacket, a gift from his mother several Christmases ago, the frayed collar and worn elbows hinting at regular use. The same gray ball cap, faded logo so scuffed that no one remembered what team it once championed. Often this ensemble was accompanied by a well worn fishing pole; always by a cold beer. Routine, habit, sameness. In these situations Kaidan Alenko thrived.  
Sometimes his dad kept him company. A calming presence. Never asking about his travels, never worrying about the dangers a military career supplied, simply sitting in comfortable silence born of mutual respect. Occasionally his mom dragged a lawn chair down to the dock. He enjoyed spending his precious time with her. Those evenings found him content to sit, arms crossed, eyes closed as she chattered away about a hundred meaningless things. He took a certain comfort in the mundane, the trivial, the familiar.  
Most evenings, though, he passed in solitude. Fresh cold air filtering in and out of his lungs as he worked to empty his mind, content to just exist. It was only here in the quiet that Alenko completed days at a time without a migraine.

He was positioned in that familiar way the first moment he heard the voices. Hushed, urgent.  _Will he be alright? Dammit Liara, talk to me!_  
Kaidan sat upright in confusion. The moon glinted across the water, casting enough light to fill the small clearing. He rubbed his eyes, a familiar prickle working its way across the bridge of his nose. It was much later than he thought. Served him right for falling asleep.  
Later, in his own bed, he remembered the odd dream as he drifted off to sleep.  
_Hang on Alenko, they're meeting us at the docks. Just hold on a little longer, they're gonna take care of you._

Dreams came and went all night. Some more distinct than others. Vivid, like memories.

 

He woke early the next morning, exhausted. A migraine had taken root, burrowing deep into his skull until his whole spine throbbed. He stumbled out of bed, pausing at the sink to splash some cold water in his face before trudging down the hall to the kitchen. Normally a migraine exiled him to the sweet darkness of his bed, but today was his final day of shore leave. He refused to spend his last few hours in solitude.  
The empty kitchen surprised him when he stumbled through the door. Ma Alenko spent most of her time cooking when he was home, often rising before dawn to start a hearty breakfast for her men. He'd felt guilty, the first few times he'd visited on leave, that she slept so little and worked so hard when he was there; but eventually he saw it clearly for what it was, her own unique way of saying _I love you_.  
Kaidan rubbed his neck wearily in the silence, perhaps it was earlier than he thought. Throwing open the doors to the well stocked pantry, he scanned each shelf till he found the heavy can of coffee. He was already up and knew from experience that another hour in bed would do nothing for his migraine. He might as well get a jump start on the day.  
The coffee gurgled cheerfully as it brewed, filling the air with a comforting aroma. He'd recently replaced their ancient clunker with the newest version. This model was sleek and smooth, resulting in a brew that actually tasted like coffee instead of burnt water. This morning especially, that was a blessing.

Steaming mug in hand, Alenko stepped out onto the back porch. Warm oranges and golds still clung to the horizon as the sun burned away the morning mist. Settling into a wicker chair, he'd just brought the hot cup up to his lips when Kaidan's brain exploded.

Darkness, cold and hollow. Frantic beeps grew louder and louder until the volume seemed to drill straight into his brain. Voices, so many voices speaking at once. A strange discordant harmony that both soothed and burned.  
One voice stood out. A familiar voice. The one from his dreams. _I want to go with him, please let me go with him!_ Arguing, no...pleading. _Please save him.  
_

Kaidan woke face down on the wooden deck. His forehead throbbed so badly that it took a moment to register any other feeling. With a groan he rolled to one side, raising his hand and straining to focus his eyes. Small red blisters ran from the base of the thumb to his wrist. Had he always had those? His foggy brain struggled to reply. Wet splotches spanned his shirt, cooling rapidly in the morning air. Placing both hands flat on the ground, he willed them to stop shaking as he heaved himself to a kneeling position. From this vantage point he spotted the empty mug shattered in two. At least something made sense now, the damp puddle and his blistering hand were caused by the same thing. He'd been drinking coffee before the world ended.

But the world hadn't ended, in fact it looked very much the same. Quiet, serene, familiar. This was worse than any migraine he'd had before.

Kaidan stumbled through the house, desperate for company. Someone to tell him he wasn't dying, assure him that this pain would eventually end. His parents room was empty. So was the living room. In fact the whole damn house was eerily quiet. For a moment Kaidan doubted whether anyone had ever lived here, a ludicrous thought at best.  
He was going insane, he understood that now. Most biotics with the L2 implant succumbed to madness. It was expected. The fact that he'd lasted this long with migraines as his only side effect was a miracle in itself.  
He sat down on the faded green couch, suddenly calm. He'd solved the riddle, undoubtedly the hardest part, and fixing the problem was what Kaidan did best.


	2. Sanity

Weeks passed. Kaidan grew despondent. He knew exactly what he needed to do. His dad's truck was gone so he'd have to walk, but once he got to the nearest town he could catch a shuttle into the city. Any large hospital would have the supplies and capability to fix his brain, or at least slow the damage.  
Despite knowing this, he couldn't seem to get out the door.  
Every morning he woke up at the same time, packed his Alliance issued duffel, and laced up his boots. Habit, structure, sameness. But when he reached the front door, bag slung over his shoulder, he couldn't walk through. Terror clawed at his throat, bile churned in his stomach. Pushing through the fear and reaching for the doorknob always ended with him on his knees, retching onto the wooden floor.  
Later, his analytical brain would diagnose this as fear caused by the madness. With that understanding in mind, he'd go to sleep, content that the next morning would be different.  
Shame and fear started to fester in his soul. He was the strongest, the fastest of any biotic he knew. He'd passed every Alliance test with flying colors, and yet couldn't walk through a simple door.  
After several weeks, he stopped trying. No need to leave, there was plenty of food in the house. He would just live there forever.  
At least the dreams were gone.

Darkness pounded at his brain as he sat upright in bed. Something had startled him awake. Something familiar.  
That voice. Calm now, but sad. It was calling his name.  _Come back to me, Alenko. I don't think I can do this without you!  
_ Tossing the covers off and leaping from the bed, he hurried down the hall. The door stood closed as always, mocking him for his fear. This time he stood there with his hand on the knob, no duffel, no boots, no panic, just the soothing voice calling from the other side.

Shoving the door open, Lt. Alenko stepped into the harsh light.

* * *

  
Jae Shepard hunched over her desk. A single lamp illuminating the data-pads stacked in front of her. Numbers and letters swam in front of her eyes, and she knew she was finally tired enough to sleep. Futile really. It didn't matter how long she waited, how exhausted she was, the dreams still came.

The rest of the ship lay in eery silence, only a skeleton crew watched over it during the sleep cycle. Although, thought Shepard, Liara was probably awake as well. Her job as the new Shadow Broker required long days and even longer nights. Her old friend had begun to show some wear and tear. The asari's pale blue face seemed hollow these days, dark smudges under her eyes whispering a tale of too little sleep and too much stress.

Jae sighed, rubbing her own eyes tiredly. Tomorrow she would have to have a chat with Liara. She couldn't afford a teammate collapsing from exhaustion, too much was at stake.  
Stripping her wrinkled uniform from her shoulders, she stepped into the shower, letting hot water stream over sore muscles. The steam soothed her ragged mind, fogging up the room until she could barely see.  
Shepard closed her eyes, thinking over their current mission. What in the hell was Hackett thinking assigning her this task? She wasn't a diplomat. Anderson was down on Earth somewhere, fighting for his life while she sat at conference tables and made nice.  
Thinking about Earth hurt, stung like an open wound, and now the Turian Primarch was asking for the impossible. She rested her head against the cold tile and shoved away the awful thoughts. She was Commander Shepard. She was expected to achieve the impossible. She would push down the fears, the doubts, and she would do it...for Earth.

Hot water grew warm, then cool and she finally stepped out and toweled off. If the dreams didn't come tonight she'd get a solid four hours of sleep.  _When had that become a luxury?_  
A green light flashed from her private console, heralding a new message. As commander of the Normandy she received two to three dozen messages a day, always something else to do, somewhere else to go. This one could probably wait until tomorrow, but she couldn't help herself. Maybe it was good news this time.  
Shepard crossed the room and punched a command into the keypad, swallowing nervously as she read the brief note.

 

> _**/** Dr. Michel, Huerta Memorial Hospital_  
>  _Location: Presidium, Citadel_
> 
> _Shepard,_  
>  _He's awake._
> 
> _-CM **\**_


	3. Memory

Kaidan grunted in pain as thousands of nerves tingled hot and sharp. Each inhale scraped across his burning lungs. Pale light crept between his lashes and he forced his heavy eyes to open. Bottles. Clear plastic, and filled with every color of liquid imaginable. Shelves of them lined the walls. Tubes and wires surrounded him, running from his hands, chest, and neck to a large console at the foot of the bed.  
A single light glowed in his peripheral vision, the only illumination in a dark room. Kaidan tried to turn his head to identify it, but panic clawed at his throat as he realized his neck was locked in place. Lifting his arms was a painful struggle, but he managed to raise them to his face and grasp the offending structure.  
A cold, slick brace ran across his forehead, around his neck, and down the mattress where it attached to the bed. Clawing at the confining straps proved useless, and Kaidan drew a deep breath to calm his racing pulse. He was in a hospital but he didn't remember arriving. A few items he could see in the dim lighting sported the Alliance logo, so he wasn't a prisoner of war.  
A red light flashed just within reach and he strained, tucking his chin down just a fraction more. The light belonged to a small console strapped to his bed, the word  _NURSE_  stamped across it in English and Turian. The button lay just within reach and he shifted his right hand to press it.

The woman that entered a few minutes later was petite, short dark hair framing her face.  
"Major Alenko, welcome back to the Citadel! It's good to see you again," she murmured gently, her french accent soft and melodious, "how do you feel?"  
Kaidan opened his mouth slowly, his words low and rough, "I've...felt better."  
The doctor smiled gently, "I would imagine."  
She stepped to his bedside and loosened the bolts holding his head brace in place, "do you remember what happened?"

_Did he remember? It all seemed so foggy...like a dream. Where had she said he was? The Citadel? That couldn't be right._

"I was home," he began hesitantly, "visiting my parents-" he trailed off as something she said struck him, "it's lieutenant, ma'am."  
The doctor paused in her work, "I'm sorry?" she asked in confusion.  
"You called me Major Alenko, I'm just a lieutenant...and this is my first time on the Citadel."

A pregnant silence hung in the air.

"Do you remember what year it is?"  
"It's...2182"  
The woman's eyes softened, her words measured and gentle as she replied.  
"You've sustained a major head injury, Alenko. The swelling on your brain was severe enough that we kept you in an induced coma for two weeks," she paused before continuing, "I believe you may be suffering some memory loss, which is not uncommon for the severity of your injury."  
Kaidan struggled to force this information through his sluggish brain. _Two weeks?_  
"What happened? How did I get to the Citadel?"  
The doctor gently took his rough hand in her petite one. "It's not 2182, Major Alenko, it's 2186."  
  


* * *

  
Kaidan lay in complete darkness as he tried to process everything he'd learned. Several nurses checked on him during their rounds, each leaving quietly when he seemed to be asleep. He was glad of this. He couldn't handle conversation right now.  
Four years of his life wiped clean as if they never existed. Nothing made sense. He couldn't even trust what he did remember. His parent's cabin, the weeks spent there in isolation, none of that was true.  _Right?_  
The doctor had explained that the brain often clings to familiar memories, safe memories, when it experiences trauma. That made sense. The cabin outside Vancouver was the only place he'd ever felt truly safe or completely at ease.  
The missing years weighed on him, pressing into his rib cage until he couldn't breathe. His Alliance training had made him tough, prepared him for war. They'd beat him down and built him up stronger, ready to face anything; but this loss of himself was beyond anything he knew how to process.  
Dr. Michel had been very compassionate as she tried to fill in some of the missing pieces, but many of the words she'd used were foreign.  _Reapers, Normandy, Shepard._  Empty words. After that she'd left him in peace, promising to place an acquisition request for all relevant Alliance records over the last four years.

Rest was slow in coming, but eventually exhaustion won and he sank into a dreamless sleep.


	4. Anxiety

Gray artificial light filtered through the pristine hospital windows, signaling the Presidium's "night cycle". Nurses murmured to each other as they strolled the hallways, voices hushed. A faint cry echoed through the wall as the soldier next door wrenched herself from a dream. Kaidan fidgeted uncomfortably in bed, stretching his neck to relieve pressure. He shifted slightly and the stack of untouched datapads at his side toppled, burying his hand.  
Three days had passed. Three days with unanswered questions and no company. Nurses bustled in and out all day, their faces tight with worry, and none had taken the time to converse longer than necessary. Dr. Michel visited once or twice. Both times merely a courtesy to inform him that she had indeed put in a request for Alliance records, but all personnel were swamped at the moment. Kaidan didn't mind the quiet though. Every moment became an opportunity to practice remembering, to stretch his brain.

_He was a soldier with the Alliance._  
_He'd survived BAaT training at Jump Zero._  
_He'd enlisted in the Alliance nine years ago...no, thirteen years ago._  
_His biotic abilities gave him immense power in the field but left him with crippling migraines._  
_His mom and dad lived in Vancouver. She was short, his dad was tall; she was loud, his dad was quiet._  
_He had seven cousins, most of whom lived in Massachusetts…_  
_Did Massachusetts even still exist?_

The snippets of information he'd managed to pry from the frazzled nurses implied a massive attack on earth. Refugees overflowed from the Citadel's docks and claimed every available bed in the hospital. His first response upon learning this, three days ago, had been terror and concern for family. Overwhelming fear that he'd never remember the last time he saw them, the last thing he wrote. But compartmentalizing emotions under stress was one of his most impressive accomplishments. Recognizing the futility of such thoughts, he simply acknowledged the concern and nudged his brain forward to the next task.

The Alliance records had arrived last night, shuffled in by a harried private who looked mildly annoyed to be stuck with the task of a courier. The boy unloaded the cart into a sloppy pile, dashed off a half-hearted salute, and scurried from the room, leaving Kaidan with a mix of amusement and annoyance. He would have appreciated a little more care. He wasn't cleared to leave his bed without help, and the boxes were aggravatingly out of reach.  
Still, he remembered the stress of his first posting. The shabby patch on your sleeve affording anyone above you the right to command your attention. Kaidan chuckled quietly as he remembered he wasn't in the condition to command anyone's attention; a broken man in a hospital bed was not the most intimidating sight.  
The young nurse who brought his breakfast helped him open the boxes, and now datapads covered every available surface of the room.  
_His last four years must have been busy._  
A tablet wedged between his right thigh and wrist seemed the easiest to reach, and he depressed the triangular button on the side to activate the screen.  **NORMANDY SR1**  blinked into view below an impressive white ship.  
Twenty pages of the report flew by as Kaidan marveled over the ship design; at least the words he could read. These plans were obviously well guarded, mostly likely a prototype, and black redaction markings covered about a third of the report.

_Serving on this ship must have been a great honor. What had they been doing to warrant such a design?_

The next datapad bore the title  **NORMANDY CREW**  and a catalog of names. Scrolling down, he scanned for anyone familiar before returning to the top and tapping the first name on the list -  _Commander Jane Shepard._  
A picture flashed onto the screen and Kaidan caught his breath. The woman in the customary head-and-shoulders shot wore a basic blue dress uniform, gold edging and collar creased to perfection. Dark red hair framed her face, wispy edges barely brushing an angular jaw. A light sprinkle of freckles softened her expression, giving the false impression of youth, but most arresting were her sparkling green eyes. Even the stoic expression required for a military portrait couldn't cover the fiendish glint of amusement.  
Familiarity poured through him. He couldn't remember her, but he was certain he'd known her well.  
The rest of the file yielded nothing beyond basic facts. A stark listing of her N7 training and accomplishments, a brief link to her mother's Alliance record, a detailed report of her survival at the Akuze colony; but a single sentence at the bottom of the page revealed more of the woman's competence than the the entire list.

> **"First human assigned to SPECIAL TACTICS AND RECONNAISSANCE."  
>  **

* * *

  
Jae tapped her foot in impatience as the elevator inched along, lamenting her refusal of the offered shuttle. Walking through the Presidium's peaceful scenery should have calmed her nerves, but the closer she got to Huerta Memorial the more anxious she became. The surprising absence of additional information from Dr. Michel in the week it took them to reach the Citadel worried her, but she was clinging to the supremely human adage -  _'no news is good news'_.  
They should have had so much time. Time to rebuild trust, apologize for harsh words, explain actions. At the time, Kaidan's strained civility on Mars only strengthened her resolve to salvage their relationship. Then, determination turned to desperation as she faced mortality in an entirely new way.  
Standing by his bed, willing him to continue breathing just a little longer. Begging him to live.  
Slowly suffocating in space had been less terrifying.

But now he was awake. She repeated that to herself as she counted the seconds till the doors opened.  _He's not dead...he's not dead._

The hospital was packed. Refugees huddled in groups, some lying on pallets in the absence of beds. Wounded soldiers limped about, exercising damaged ligaments. Overworked nurses snapped orders, anxiety showing through thinly veiled courtesy.  
The receptionist glanced up as she approached the desk, noted the Alliance rank patch visible on her jacket, and waved her to the front of the line.  
"Can I help you?"  
"I'm looking for Lieu...uh, Major Alenko. He was brought in several weeks ago with a head injury. Dr. Michel should be listed as his acting physician."  
"Dr. Michel is in a meeting with Councilor Udina right now, but it looks like Major Alenko is in room B47. Down the hall on your right...next in line please!"

The room was simple to find, though maneuvering through overcrowded hallways proved time consuming. Shepard paused, heart pounding. Their conversation today could be critical. So many things that needed to be said, needed to be worded just right. She couldn't - no, she WOULDN'T lose him.

A quiet voice answered her hesitant knock, and she shoved the door open.


	5. Politics

Kaidan's head ached. Hundreds of useless facts swirled in a brain too full to make sense of them.  
Four days spent researching his past and he'd gained few answers. He could list every stop the Normandy made while it hunted Saren, but he couldn't picture the different worlds or remember any of the missions. He could name every crewmember on the SR1, but he couldn't hear the different tones of their voices or see individual expressions.  
Even more disconcerting were the reports that made no sense at all.  
A dry paragraph detailing how the Normandy SR1 was destroyed in combat and Commander Shepard killed in the line of duty only to reappear two years later. Or the report of her working with a group called Cerberus; whose file accused them of acute xenophobia but listed the worst atrocities imaginable committed against their own species.  
He knew some of his confusion could be attributed to dry military reports stating cold facts, but Kaidan suspected the truth simply was THAT fantastic.  
If nothing else, he'd gained a profound but wary respect towards this commander. She finished the job even if no one else agreed with her - and it seemed most of the Alliance brass didn't.

The door swished open, admitting a middle aged human dressed in a fine tunic.  
The man's sharp pinched face smoothed into false sympathy as he surveyed the room. "Major! I am so glad that you're doing well! Nasty business on Mars, just awful. How are you feeling?"  
Kaidan tried to smother his instant dislike. This stranger oozed politics, the poisonous kind.  
"What can I do for you, Mr….?" he let the words trail off in a question.  
"Is this some kind of joke, major? I'm a very busy man, you know! I came all the way down here to present you with an opportunity, a high honor for both you and mankind."  
The door swung open again, and Kaidan bit back his caustic answer.

Dr. Michel hurried into the room, exhaustion evident on her face. "Councilor Udina!" she said quickly, "can I help you?"  
The ambassador threw a sour look towards the bed as he turned to answer, "Doctor, I was just about to call for you. I've left several messages with that incompetent nurse at the front desk, messages that have not been returned. I'm a very busy man you know!"  
He gestured stiffly in Kaidan's direction, "what can you tell me about the major's progress? When will he be fit for duty?"  
Annoyance sparked from the doctor's eyes for a brief moment before smoothing into a calm focus, "I apologize, councilor, we've been overworked and short staffed with the influx of refugees. I meant to return your messages yesterday." She waved her delicate hand towards the door, "why don't we adjourn to my office while I update you on the major's condition."  
The man sputtered as he was ushered out, pompous admonishments still ringing in the room after the door swung shut.  
Kaidan sighed in relief, closing his eyes and resting his head back on the pillow.  


* * *

  
"I want answers, doctor, not guesses!" Udina paced in front of the door, anger glinting in his eyes. "I've spent the last three days talking to the council, convincing those uptight know-it-alls that humanity deserves another SPECTRE, and you're telling me that our best candidate...our ONLY candidate can't even remember the heroic deeds that put him on the list in the first place?"

Chloe sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose.  
The last two weeks could only be described as a literal hell. Earth burned. Her parents were missing, presumed dead. The Reapers killed thousands every day. Refugees on the Citadel suffered from infected wounds, unsanitary conditions in the temporary shelters, and extreme cases of PTSD; and those were just the ones who'd made it to the hospital.  
Things were spinning out of control.

A quick pause signified that Udina had finally run out of things to shout, and Chloe spoke up quickly, "I'm not sure what you want me to say, councilor, a brain with that amount of swelling is hard to predict. Especially when the patient is a biotic."  
She stood, stepping around her desk to hint that the conversation should end. "I will keep you informed of his progress and notify your office as soon as he is fit for duty."  
Udina grunted in resigned displeasure, "see that you do, doctor!"


	6. Visitors

The knock on the door surprised Kaidan. The nurses never bothered and he'd had no visitors except Udina, who'd left barely ten minutes earlier.  
At his reply, a tall redheaded female stepped through the door.  
Kaidan forgot to breathe.  
He'd studied his commander's military portrait thoroughly over the last few days, but it didn't even begin to do her justice.  
Her hair was longer now, pulled back into a soft bun at the nape of her neck. The new hairstyle amplified the sharp angles of her jaw, and gave her an air of quiet determination.  
Her figure attested to the strength required of an Alliance marine, yet remained surprisingly graceful as she crossed the room.  
When she reached the side of his bed, his attention was immediately drawn to her eyes. To say they were green was an understatement. Bright emerald in the middle, deep forest around the edges, and every other shade of green in between the two.  
Those eyes tightened in concern, and Kaidan realized she'd asked a question.   
_Shit, how long had he been staring like an idiot? What did she say?_

* * *

  
Jae crinkled her nose in concern as she stared at the man in front of her.  
His eyes slowly seemed to focus and his glazed look turned to one of mortification, "I'm so sorry, commander," he shook his head sheepishly, "I must have spaced out for a minute."  
She smiled hesitantly, "How are you feeling, Kaidan?"

He looked like shit.  
His bruised face boasted more purple on it than skin color. His nose, obviously broken, now angled slightly to the left.  
The bruises traveled down his neck, covering his chest, and reached the sheet draped over his lower half. She was afraid to even wonder how far down they went.  
Worst of all were his eyes. They looked tired, defeated. She'd seen that expression before, but never from him. Of all the members of her crew, Kaidan was the one she spoke to when she needed encouragement; needed his unwavering faith in good, in humanity, and in her.

"I'm doing well, commander," he replied carefully, "the doctor is optimistic that I'll be back on my feet soon."  
Jae's heart sank as she detected the strained neutrality in his voice. Was his detachment due to continued distrust of her Cerberus ties, or did he somehow blame her for failing to prevent his injury at the hand of a psychopathic robot?  
No, she knew him better than that. She blamed herself for his trauma, but he'd never feel that way.  
"How are you really doing?" She reached a hand out to gently squeeze his arm, "things looked pretty bad after Mars."  
His eyes darkened in confusion as he focused on her hand before jerking up to meet her gaze, "Commander, I-" His words faltered as he glanced down at his arm again, "-I, uh, have you spoken to Dr. Michel?"  
Shepard paused, all the confidence she'd built up over the last week vanishing. Why was he staring at her in horror and confusion?  
"I was told Dr. Michel's in a meeting. The last message I received from her simply stated that you were awake."  
"She's been very busy. The whole hospital is in chaos with the refugee situation. Even the councilor had to storm down here to find out why she hadn't returned his messages."  
Shepard frowned at this new information, "Udina came here? What did that slippery bastard want?"  
He chuckled, "I'm not sure, actually, he didn't stay long. That's all unimportant anyway. I'm sure Dr. Michel meant to file a report with you about my condition, but I guess she didn't have the time."  
His formal address was starting to amuse her, and she had to bite her lip to keep from grinning.  
If she didn't know better, she'd assume she was back on the SR1 listening to an after-action report. Even then she'd relied on him; before their friendship, before their relationship, when they were simply a lieutenant and his commander. His quiet summation of each mission had always brought clarity to the situation, even when he was boldly disagreeing with her.

Shepard inwardly shook herself. No need to delve too deeply into the past. Those memories, though sacred, often led to an emotional downward spiral. Entirely unhelpful in this case.

"...along with my implant becoming dislodged slightly, caused massive swelling."  
He'd obviously continued on, and she struggled to catch back up.  
"The swelling has since decreased, but I still have serious memory loss as a result."  
She almost missed the words, hidden inside a dry recitation of medical facts, but as they registered she felt her hand tighten involuntarily on his forearm.  
"How bad?" The words sounded hoarse and she struggled to breathe normally. "What do you...I mean...is it…." She let the question trail off, not sure she even wanted to know the answer.  
"Complete loss, going back several years," his grimace seemed almost apologetic. "The last memory I have was right before I started serving on the Normandy. At least according to the timeline I pieced together from the Alliance's records."

Jae clenched her jaw, inhaling slowly through her nose.  _Fuck the Illusive Man. Fuck him to hell._


	7. Frustration

Dr. Michel slumped at her desk, exhaustion overwhelming any desire to return to her duties. Udina's angry diatribe still rang in her ears.  
_When would things get better?_  
She could feel the tension building. Reports arrived daily about violence in the wards. No one was happy with the constant stream of refugees, especially since most seemed to be either human or batarian. If something didn't change soon, the war outside the Citadel would be the last thing the council needed to worry about.

Her communicator beeped faintly from under her bookshelf where she'd hurled it earlier in frustration.  
"Doctor?" A muffled voice followed the beep.  
Too weary to scrabble under the shelf after it, Chloe stepped to the door and shoved it open. Her assistant sat at the desk in the office's outer room, speaking into the small device that hung around her neck.  
"Yes, Keyora?"  
"I'm sorry to bother you, doctor, but an Alliance officer arrived to see you about 30 minutes ago. She was directed to a-" Keyora consulted the computer console briefly, "-Major Alenko's room. You were busy with the councilor, so I didn't-"

The door slammed loudly as the doctor flew from the office.

* * *

  
The scene that greeted her in the hospital room exuded tension.  
Major Alenko's face bore a false calm, but his eyes betrayed confusion. Next to him, the commander's shoulders hunched stiffly in anger.  
"I'm so sorry to-" Chloe stepped towards the bed, pausing as her eyes fell on the intimate way Shepard's hand squeezed Alenko's arm.  
Coughing delicately to cover her discomfort she dragged her eyes back to her friend's pale face. "-to, uh, to keep you waiting. I was held up in a meeting with Councilor Udina…"  
"No apology necessary, doctor," Shepard stood quickly, her tone impassive, polite. "but perhaps we could further discuss Major Alenko's condition in private?"  
Dr. Michel grimaced apologetically at Kaidan as she followed yet another of his visitors out the door.

* * *

  
Shepard sank onto the couch stuffed awkwardly in the corner of the office. All the fight drained out of her and she rubbed both palms down the sides of her face and neck.  
"It's bad, isn't it?"  
The doctor opened her mouth to apologize again, but Jae cut her off.  
"Please don't. We are  _all_  tasked to the limit right now. I know you're doing the best you can." She pressed a finger to each temple, a familiar headache just starting to pound at her skull, "he can't remember anything?"  
"Nothing of the past four years. As far as I can tell, his memories from before that time are intact."  
"Besides that? Physically? He mentioned something about his implant?"  
"Other than the memory loss, he's healing well. His implant did add to the trauma on his brain, but we were able to stabilize it, and the swelling is almost gone at this point. Several ribs were broken, some internal bleeding, but thankfully his spine wasn't damaged. All in all, he's recovered rather quickly. I've instructed him to refrain from using his biotics while he's healing, but I don't believe he'll suffer from any problems in that capacity once he's allowed to use them again."  
Shepard closed her eyes in relief, "tell me about his memory loss."  
Doctor Michel sighed, "physically, there's no reason his memory can't return. At this point we are simply waiting. The mind will heal itself when it's ready, any interference on our part could aggravate the problem."  
"What can I do? To help bring his memories back, I mean."  
"Simply talk to him, remind him of himself."

* * *

  
Kaidan shifted on the bed in annoyance. He was so tired of this hospital, of being trapped in this little room and only able to interact with the world when someone deigned to visit.  
His short interaction with Commander Shepard still confused him.  
The familiarity she showed didn't line up with the reports he'd read.  _N7 status, SPECTRE appointment, sole survival on a planet filled with thresher maws_ ; all these accomplishments in her file painted a stark picture of a lone wolf, a survivor, someone who started and finished things on her own.  
Even worse, the level of intimacy he'd inferred didn't line up with what he remembered of his own character. Emotional connections were something he'd avoided since the incident with Rahna, and a relationship with a commanding officer - well, that went against everything he'd ever worked towards.  
He grunted in frustration, rubbing his neck viciously.  
Time passed very slowly in this room. As long as he was stuck here, he remained at the mercy of others. They visited on  _their_  timetable and chose to leave when it suited them. Just  _once_  he'd like to have a full conversation with someone before they hurried out of the room.

Kaidan started to chuckle as he realized the childish tone in his thoughts. Being cooped up in this damn hospital was NOT good for him at all.  
  


* * *

> __  
> /Kaidan,  
>  _I'm sorry to leave this vid instead of talking in person; I didn't want to wake you, and I had to get back to the Normandy. The Council demanded a report, and now we have to get to Sur'Kesh as soon as possible._  
>  _Even so, I should have come back._  
>  _I'm still trying to wrap my head around it all. This probably sounds harsh, but I just can't focus on this right now._  
>  _I don't mean that in the way it sounds...I just...damn it…I have so many people depending on me...I can't screw this all up._  
>  _I...I don't want to screw us up either._  
>  _If you haven't already, try to read back through your old messages. Hopefully you kept them all. What am I saying, of course you did!_  
>  _They'll explain some of the last couple years._  
>  _I'll message you as much as I can, and we'll be coming back to the Citadel soon. I promise._
> 
> _Stay safe Kaidan. **\**_


	8. Reminisce

Huerta Memorial's vast lobby hummed with voices when Kaidan emerged from the long hallway. Every seat available carried an occupant, some even held two at a time.  
Visitors crowded into the corner next to the elevator, merging into the single-file line that snaked to a desk in the middle of the room. The harried asari behind it tapped on her console in impatience as she waited for the elcor at the front of the line to lumber away.  
The corner closest to him held pallets, overflow from crowded patient rooms. Temporary glass partitions gave a small measure of privacy, but the wounded soldiers didn't seem to care. This mix of humans and asari boasted minor injuries and infections; all mild enough to warrant giving up their beds to those on the brink of death.  
The longest wall on either side of the rectangular room was made up entirely of large glass panes. This was, perhaps, an attempt to give the illusion of warmth; but the white walls and floors simply reflected the light and highlighted the sterile atmosphere.  
On one side of the room a dozen or so chairs lined the windows, facing out. Some patients rested in these while conversing with visiting loved ones; others draped themselves comfortably over the backs to allow a view of the entrance - where a large screen showed the current news.  
The other side of the room featured small tables, each with a extranet console; it was this side that Kaidan turned towards.

This path took him directly past a strange humanoid figure standing at the window.  
Kaidan had never seen a drell in person before; but as a field medic, and a human with a studied interest in other races, his knowledge of xenobiology was exceptionally thorough.  
The reptile-like figure turned to study him as he passed, nodding slightly in greeting before returning his stare to the presidium grounds outside.

The console lit up as Kaidan settled into the seat and typed in the code given to him by one of the receptionists. According to the impatient asari, this code reset every hour to discourage a patient from monopolizing one of the few consoles available.

Several options appeared on the screen, and Kaidan selected the small Alliance image before keying in his military id and personnel code.  
He scanned through the handful of new messages, noting any of interest, before shifting his attention to the folder titled ' _previously read'_. Thankfully he seemed to have maintained his fanatical need for order over the last several years. This folder was free of useless messages, in fact almost all of them contained a header marking it from either Alliance military or his mother.  
Buried in the midst of these, though, were about two dozen marked simply 'commander'.

As he began highlighting them for future viewing, Kaidan felt a prickle creep along the base of his skull. The distinct feeling of being watched came over him and he turned slightly to scan the room.  
The drell he'd passed earlier now leaned against the window on the other side. His arms were crossed and, when Kaidan met his gaze, he continued to stare unblinkingly at him. No threat or dislike showed on his face; in fact, he remained completely expressionless.  
After several moments of this wordless standoff, Kaidan forced himself to turn back to the console. The drell showed no interest in crossing the room to converse with him, and he had no information to help him in this situation. If this alien was a previous acquaintance or enemy, the most helpful course of action would be to regain his memories so he knew what trouble he was walking into.

A quick scan found the last email he remembered receiving. It was dated the day he'd arrived back on base and contained a brief note from his mom thanking him for visiting on his leave.  
He grinned as he read through it. She always sent one even though he'd spent every leave in the past nine years at his childhood home. Manners were important to his mother, she believed that every gracious action, no matter how small, deserved a thank-you note.

The next message contained a set of orders; detailing his transfer to the command of Captain David Anderson, and instructing him to report to dock 422 the next morning.

Time passed quickly as he methodically worked through the next six month's worth of messages; till eventually a yellow box flashed on the screen, a reminder of his rationed time.

Kaidan stretched, logged out, and returned to his room.


	9. Jealousy

"I wondered how long you would wait to approach me," the drell blinked calmly as he continued to gaze out the window, his voice guttural and strained.  
"Have we met before?" Kaidan asked, confused by the obvious serenity encompassing the words.  
"I am fulfilling one last request from an old friend. One last chance to choose my own path, my own actions."  
Kaidan bit back his annoyance. He'd expected to gain the upperhand by confrontation, surprising the other patient into giving away information. The drell remained unruffled, almost mocking in his passivity. Another patient taking a suspiciously obvious interest in him over the course of several days wouldn't normally put him this much on edge - but the strained tension in the air, the fantastic accounts he'd read about his commander and their mission, as well as his continuing amnesia were all contributing to a certain level of paranoia.  
The being across from him was obviously a patient at Huerta Memorial, the consistency and force of his coughs signified he was very sick, but the deliberate studied calm that pervaded his presence had an edge to it. A dangerous edge.  
"I know you've been watching me. Why?"  
The other patient shifted in his seat, crossing one long leg over the other before responding.  
"We have a mutual acquaintance in your former commander," he tipped his head back and his cold black eyes met Kaidan's gaze, "I offered to guard you while you recovered."  
Kaidan squinted, unsure how to respond to this revelation.  
The drell sighed and gestured at the closest chair, "please sit down, major, I'm too weary to continue along this conversation's obvious path. Ask, I will answer what I can."

* * *

  
Thane returned his gaze to the window as his new acquaintance settled into the soft cushions of the chair. The end of his life was a fine time to show generosity to a close friend; but in this moment, with the object of his envy seated across from him, he regretted his offer of protection.

 _**Radiant eyes soften in understanding.** _  
_**Bottom lip bleeds slightly where she bites it unknowingly.** _  
_**Nine tiny freckles decorate the graceful hand that squeezes his shoulder.** _  
_**"You avenged your loved one, I would have done the same."** _

The memory faded slowly as though anxious to remain; but the cold hospital pressed around him, drawing him back to the present, and the human staring at him expectantly.  
Thane sighed in relief as he realized the memories had remained within his mind. Reciting them out loud would only end in pain and embarrassment.  
"Forgive me, major, my mind wandered. This happen more frequently now. Could you please repeat your question?"  
The officer's eyes tightened momentarily but he nodded graciously. "I asked how long you've known the commander."  
"Commander Shepard recruited me to help her defeat the collectors, we had never met before then-"

 _**Blood blossoms as the target falls.** _  
_**Soft prayers are offered up.** _  
_**Emerald eyes, focused yet questioning.** _  
_**Chaos, destruction, need, desperation.** _  
_**"Join me."** _

"-she is an admirable woman. I am honored to have fought alongside her."  
Alenko nodded, shoulders slumping in defeat. "I've gathered that. I wish I had that same certainty."  
Pity washed over Thane. To follow such a woman, love such a woman, and not remember - that would be a death in itself.

 _**"He is important to you, Siha?"** _  
_**Realization. Sorrow. She can never be his.** _  
_**He is glad he never asked.** _  
_**Her shoulders bend with the weight they bear.** _  
_**"He is everything."** _

Thane turned to gaze out the window again. On the walkway below a portly volus waved his arms in frustration as he haggled with an asari customer.  
"She spoke highly of you, major, even when you could not see eye to eye. I am truly sorry you cannot remember." He paused, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees, "I will share all I can of the time I spent with her."

* * *

__  
She looks tired. Dark smudges rim her eyes, giving her a haunted expression.  
_"Kaidan!"_  
_Anger and longing war within him, each demanding a different kind of self control._  
_She smiles, eyes soft with relief. A single tear escapes and trails down her cheek._  
_"I've missed you," she sighs._  
_He doesn't intend to reach for her, but he can't help himself._  
_Shepard leans forward into the embrace._  
_From behind her, flat dark eyes glint at him in suspicion. "Commander," the word rattles in the strange creature's throat._  
_A different voice, familiar in its dry edge, "come on, Krios, let's give them some privacy." Garrus meets Kaidan's gaze and tips his head slightly, a brief gesture of common respect, "they're old friends."_  
_The drell's mouth tightens, an action just barely noticeable beneath his calm exterior. "Very well."_

Kaidan sat straight up in bed, the room spinning horribly - a side effect of his sudden movement.  
That was a memory! The details were too crisp, too clear to be a dream. Talking to the drell must have triggered something.  
Thane had briefly mentioned their meeting on Horizon, but he'd skipped over most of it in favor of advancing to the next stage of his narrative. Nothing he said could have created the clear details in that vision.  
Kaidan leaned back, pressing both hands over his eyes as he sighed in relief. His broken mind was finally healing.


	10. Doubt

Dr. Michel looked almost apologetic when she informed Kaidan that he'd healed enough to be discharged. She needn't have worried, the news came as a relief.  
His hospital room had become excruciatingly cramped, lines for the extranet consoles too long, and there were definitely patients who needed his bed more.

He had several stops planned after gaining his freedom, but one need trumped the others.  
The human embassy overflowed with refugees, but two hours and a simple biometric scan later, he'd been issued a new credit chit for his Alliance bank account.  
After that, it took less than two hours to find the perfect replacement for his damaged omni-tool as well as a few simple black t-shirts, slacks, and boots. The hospital had little storage, so they'd sent his damaged armor and weapons back to the Alliance military offices in one of the lower wards.  
That trip would have to wait till tomorrow, he decided, his ribs couldn't take any more walking today.

Kaidan swiped the key smoothly through the electronic lock and swung the door open. Dust puffed into the air as he tossed the borrowed key and his credit chit onto the counter. The doctor had not lied when she said she never stayed here. The room was sparsely furnished, containing barely more than a small bed and a single lounge chair.  
He didn't really care, he was just grateful she'd offered it until he figured things out.  
Setting his purchases on the counter next to the key, he sunk down onto the bed and unwrapped the new omni-tool. His lids drooped tiredly but he shook himself awake; he could read a few more messages before he slept.

* * *

  
"Four years?" Liara's eyes widened in horror, "he doesn't remember anything?"  
Shepard sighed and rubbed her left temple.  _When had these headaches gotten so bad?_ "  
Absolutely nothing," she replied, "Dr. Michel said she gave him Alliance reports to read, that's how he recognized me."  
She glanced around Liara's cabin, thankful they had privacy for this conversation. Most of the crew would recognize Kaidan by name only; but of the few who did know him, Liara was the only one who understood the full situation. Garrus probably had an idea, but even the thought of discussing this topic with him - Shepard winced in embarrassment.  
"Have you spoken to him since?" the asari questioned, crossing the room to check an alert on one of her many consoles.  
"I haven't. I promised to send a message, but we've been a little busy-"  
She let the sentence trail off, not entirely sure if she was simply making an excuse. They  _had_  been busy, the female krogan in their medbay proved that; and with Hackett sending her all over the galaxy on wild varren chases, her team was exhausted. Still, she'd had some down time while they traveled, perhaps she was letting discomfort and fear keep her from contacting him.

Glancing up, she realized her friend had shifted her focus from the topic at hand. Something on her console intrigued her, demanding her full attention.  
Suddenly Liara gave a small squeak of excitement, shifting forward to key in a command. Several video feeds flashed onto the screen and Shepard leaned closer in horror.  
"Is that...earth?"  
The asari jumped, anxiety blooming on her face.  
"I'm so sorry, Shepard, I didn't think. I-I've been trying for months to find any useable feeds. This is an outdated satellite, one that wasn't even being used anymore. I was so excited, I didn't think about you being in here-"  
The asari's apology fell on deaf ears.

Earth burned.

Cities and towns, once pinpricks of light creating a beautiful grid across the landscape, now glowed orange and yellow while the rest of the planet had been plunged into darkness.  
"I knew it was bad, but seeing it...this is impossible. I can't-" she choked off in disbelief.  
"No, you're Commander Shepard, you can beat them," unshed tears glittered in Liara's eyes.  
"This isn't a crazy turian with a chip on his shoulder, this isn't mutated protheans forced to kidnap humans," exhaustion was kicking in, and Shepard felt whatever grip she normally had on her emotions slipping away, "this is...this is-"  
"Just another fight, no different from the last," the anger in her friend's voice startled her, "you will win because you have to! If you don't-"  
She trailed off and a sharp stillness in the room screamed what neither of them was willing to say.

* * *

  
Shepard lunged upright in bed, breathing heavily. The child's face haunted her sleep most nights, but this time it was different. This dream shook her to her core.

 _Voices, ghostly shapes of those she'd failed._  
_Ashley, Jenkins, her former Marine unit - calling her, pleading for help. T_ _hen silence._  
_Kaidan stands beside her, arms crossed, face twisted into an angry sneer._  
_"You're not even worth remembering. At least now I might have a chance to live. You destroy everyone around you."_  
_Kaidan's face glows. Flames melt the skin, peeling it away in strips until only the skull remains. His tortured screams burn in her ears, tearing at them, filling them with blood._  
_A terrifying voice, echoing as thousands, thunders in the darkness._  
_"You cannot defy us! We will destroy everything around you, everything you hold close. For we are many and you are one!"_

Wrapping both arms around her legs, Shepard hunched her shoulders, resting her forehead on her knees. Her heart still raced despite the series of deep breaths she'd forced through her lungs. Echoes pounded at her brain and she knew these images would haunt her waking hours as much as they had her dreams.  
A drop of moisture rolled down her neck, and she realized she was crying.

 _Seven year old Jae sits on the kitchen counter of the small military-issued apartment. Blood runs down her leg and she catches her breath in pain. Her mother smiles as she gently cleans the wound._  
_Her father towers over her, expression stern, "buck up, soldier! A little blood never killed anybody." He waves away his wife's annoyed glance and continues, "you're a Shepard, kid, we don't cry over silly things like a scraped knee. We fight and we win, pain be damned."_

It's difficult to remember someone you barely saw a couple weeks out of the year, but that one memory of her father stuck with her despite the two decades that had passed. Those simple words had impacted every decision she'd made since elementary school, and were the base of the protective wall she kept around herself.  
She was a Shepard, she didn't cry.  
Not when her father's ship had been attacked by batarian pirates, killing everyone. Not even on Akuze when her last squadmate died in her arms and she'd realized she was truly alone.  
So why now? In the last four years, she'd turned into an emotional wreck. How had she let a single man break through her defenses so completely?  
"Buck up, soldier," she found herself whispering, "pain be damned."


	11. Rage

_The pilot's face glows white, eyes haunted._  
_He knows. Before Joker even opens his mouth, he knows._  
_Rage curls within him, begging for release. His fists clench, desperate to stop the blue energy tingling along his arms._  
_Garrus steps towards him, palms out as if approaching a wounded varren._  
_"STAY THE HELL AWAY!" His voice cracks with anger - or grief._  
_'Get outside, get outside' - his mind chants in panic - 'get outside before someone ends up dead'._  
_Memories swirl. The turian slumped on the floor, head jutting out at an unnatural angle. Rahna's face, horrified and streaked with tears, 'please, just stay away from me', her words tear at his soul._  
_His legs finally move, and he shoves through the crowd._  
_The air outside it still and dark as he runs. He leaves the temporary shelter several miles behind before allowing himself to stop._  
_The sky is clear, the atmosphere of this lonely planet just shallow enough to see the sea of orange, fire laden wreckage._  
_Somewhere up there, suffocating and burning, is the woman he loves._  
_Grief crushes him and he sinks to his knees in the reddish sand. A familiar buzzing fills the air, drowning the ringing in his ears, and a warm wetness touches the top of his lip as his nose bleeds._  
_Rage swells up from his soul and he releases every last bit of energy glowing beneath the surface of his skin._ _Halfway between the dark ground and fiery distance, the sky lights up a dazzling blue.  
_

* * *

  
Kaidan's eyes flew open, heart pounding erratically. A vice-like band gripped his chest and he thrashed desperately before realizing it was simply the sweat-drenched sheets twisted around his skin.  
His omni-tool lay on the bedside table and he reached for it with trembling hands, skimming through his old messages as quickly as he could.

There, that was the message that sparked the latest memory.

> _**/** Commander Jane Shepard, Normandy SR2  
>  _ _Location:_ _ERROR/censored **\**_

The blurry image flashed and stuttered, but the bad quality couldn't disguise her dark circles and gaunt cheeks. This shadow showed no resemblance to the beautiful woman he'd met in his hospital room.

> _**/** Kaidan,_  
>  _I regret my first letter. I wrote it in anger, out of betrayal. I wanted to hurt...to wound, I hope I wasn't too successful._  
>  _I understand why I've been cut off from the Alliance...it's complete bullshit...but I DO understand._  
>  _I can't help but wonder, though, how long did it take for them to erase me? For everyone to forget? I fought so damn hard to prove that I was right, that the reapers were real, that they're still coming. I guess it was easier to pretend it didn't exist._  
>  _That I didn't exist._  
>  _Well, I'm back, and human colonies are disappearing. No one wants to do a damn thing about it...except Cerberus. So yeah, I'm working WITH them. I'm not loyal to them, despite what they did for me, I promise you that. If I could leave right now and return to the Alliance...return to you...I would in a heartbeat._  
>  _Everyone's forgotten ME, but I haven't forgotten them._ **\**

The blurry Shepard paused, hand hovering in front of her as if to end the recording. Seconds passed before she sighed and leaned back.

> _**/** They say it takes less than five minutes to suffocate when your air tank ruptures. That's what I was taught in basic, but it sure felt like a hell of alot longer. I lived my entire life over again...and then again._  
>  _I saw my mother, the day after my dad died. She tried so hard not to let me see her crying. She hid in the kitchen after the funeral - when everyone came by to give condolences - she just couldn't face the reality. I think that was the only time I've ever seen her break._  
>  _We've never talked about that day since. Actually, we haven't talked about much of anything._  
>  _I wonder who told her about my death. I hope it was Anderson. I just haven't been able to bring myself to call her since I've been back._  
>  _I saw Ashley standing at her workbench, laughing with Garrus and Tali. She really took to them, despite her history. I think that's one of the things I'm most proud of. We took down walls. We PROVED that humans could could work with other species, that we could improve the greater good. That was a good moment to relive._  
>  _I heard her voice, on Virmire, scared and brave at the same time. "It's ok, commander, we both know it's the right choice. Get the hell off this planet and find that turian. Just promise me you'll nail that son of a bitch to hell and back for me!"_  
>  _God, I miss her. We didn't know it then, but we needed her. She lightened the whole crew, even when things were the most stressful._  
>  _Of course, I saw you. Always by my side - facing the council, the rachni queen, Benezia, Saren, the list goes on - and through it all I depended on you. I didn't even realize how much until you were gone._  
>  _That evening before Ilos, that memory, more than the rest, got me through. Replaying that night over and over until the end, that's the only thing that kept me sane_ _...keeps me sane.  
>  __Kaidan, I...I don't-_
> 
> _Stay safe for me, Kaidan. **\**_


	12. Innocence

Alliance headquarters proved harder to find than Kaidan expected.  
After thirty minutes of walking, and several excruciating music-filled elevator rides, he arrived at a rundown dextro-friendly diner. The turian cook grunted in annoyance at his inquiry before informing him that those Alliance idiots hadn't been on this side of the wards in years, not since they got they got their very own representative on the council. When Kaidan attempted to ask where they'd moved to, the turian mumbled a few things under his breath, shrugging his shoulders in disdain.  
He started the long walk back, wisely consulting a map this time and swearing to never ask for directions again. That damn asari was probably smirking to herself right now about sending the poor limping human halfway across the wards in the wrong direction.

The Alliance main office, now situated on a much nicer level of the wards, was impressive, council funding evident in the sheer size and design of the building.  
It was difficult for Kaidan to wrap his mind around the idea of a human councilor. So much had happened in the last several years, so many steps forward for earth.  
As security scanned him through the entrance, he wondered idly if the other council members found it amusing that humanity was already on their second representative. They probably chalked it up to the flightiness of humans. What else could you expect of a race that barely lives past a hundred years?

The receptionist waved him up, his military record flashing on the screen to her right.  
"What can I do for you, major?"  
He explained what he needed and was directed to a small console mounted on the end of her desk.  
"Key in what you're looking for so the requisitions officer can start pulling it, then head down the steps and turn left. You may have a short wait, I believe there are several others ahead of you."

The requisitions office was indeed full, and Kaidan took the empty seat closest to the door. He relaxed into the cushions, debating whether to take a short nap or read a few more messages.  
He quickly settled on the nap and closed his eyes.  
"Are you a soldier, too?" The voice belonged to a small girl sitting a few seats away. She was dressed in a simple jumpsuit, long brown hair braided sloppily and draped over one shoulder.  
Kaidan smiled, she reminded him of his youngest cousin when she was that age. Shy, yet insanely curious.  
"I am," he replied seriously, "are you?"  
The little girl crinkled her nose up, "of course not, I'm only seven!"  
"Ah, my mistake."  
"If you're really a soldier, where's your uniform?"  
He chuckled, "well my armor was damaged, and I didn't know I was going to be visiting here, so I didn't have time to pack a uniform."  
"That was silly, you should have planned better."  
"I agree."  
The girl informed him that her name was Heidi, before leaning back in her seat to mull over what he'd shared. It was several minutes before she spoke again, "if your armor got hurt, did you get hurt too?"  
Kaidan sighed. The matter-of-factness in her tone implied personal experience with the idea of a wounded soldier.  
"I did," he replied carefully, "but the doctors fixed me. I'm all better now."  
Heidi smiled at that, "good. They fixed up daddy too. He's in that room right there. He said he's here for a new helmet, but I think he's here to ask about my mom. He comes here a lot."  
"Where's your mom?" He was hesitant to ask, but couldn't bear to leave the conversation there, "is she here on the Citadel?"  
The girl shook her head seriously, "she's on earth. She was with her other soldiers when everything started blowing up. Daddy came to my school and we both got on the shuttle. He wanted to get her too, but he couldn't leave me alone. He's very sad now."  
Kaidan leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. An ache burned in his chest as he asked, "are you sad now too?"  
"Sometimes. I miss her a lot. But I'm not worried like daddy is, he told me that Commander Shepard is fighting the bad guys who made us leave home. I saw her in a vid one time, and my mama told me that she's the best soldier there is. So if anyone can beat them, she can."  
One of the doors across the room slammed open with a crash. The soldier that exited was younger than Kaidan, but the emotional wear around his eyes aged him considerably.  
He motioned impatiently towards the girl, and she bounded across the room with a smile, before turning back to wave at her new friend. Her father took advantage of her distraction to swipe a wrinkled shirtsleeve across his red-rimmed eyes, then taking a deep breath, he straightened his shoulders and ushered her from the room.  
Kaidan leaned back, resting his head against the wall behind his chair. He was suddenly relieved his name wasn't next on the list. It would be awkward to explain to the requisitions officer why tears were running down his face.


	13. Advancement

"What do you mean my request has been overridden?" Kaidan squeezed the back of his neck in aggravation, "my armor was sent here in pieces, I need some more!"  
The scrawny assistant, who looked barely eighteen, grimaced and nudged the screen around so Kaidan could read the alert.

_**/** Alert code: 87320493 - SPECTRE access - all further requests are to be forwarded to the C-SEC requisition officer **\**_

"I'm sorry, sir. I'm only reading what's on my screen, would you like to speak to someone above me?"  
"Why yes, that would be very  _helpful_." He tried to remove the sarcastic bite from the words, but was only mildly successful.

The head of requisitions, a tall gruff looking man, stepped behind the desk a few minutes later.  
"I'm sorry, major, but once we're told to hand off requisitions to another branch of the citadel, we're not supposed to fill any more requests. The brass don't like paying for gear that someone else is s'posed to cover."  
Kaidan nodded in understanding, "I'm really not interested in the politics required to get my gear, I just want to remove that alert from my record. I no longer work with a SPECTRE, and I seriously doubt the council still wants to pay to keep me safe."  
The officer leaned over his assistant and tapped a few keys on the console.  
"Sorry, sir, I can't touch it. That alert came down from Councilor Udina's office, timestamp is from this morning."

* * *

  
Udina gestured languidly towards a chair, "can I get you a drink? No? Are you sure?"  
Kaidan's eyes tightened in annoyance and the councilor inclined his head in defeat, "very well, your loss."  
He settled into the oversized chair behind his desk and took a sip of amber liquid. "I'll admit that alerting requisitions to your change in status may have been a little premature, but paperwork can take days sometimes. I was simply trying to speed everything along."  
"My change in status? I haven't accepted the position yet. I didn't even  _KNOW_  about it until five minutes ago!"  
"Of course you'll need a minute to think about it, but we can't afford to waste time. We are at war, major, the council needs the best minds in the galaxy at its defense."  
"The best minds?" Kaidan laughed in disbelief, "my mind isn't even complete right now. I'm in no position to accept added responsibilities."  
"The doctor informed me of your situation. I also know that she set you up for continued care even after you were discharged. Now that you've gained back a few of your old memories, she's very optimistic that you'll recover complete control. I'm all set to-"  
The councilor paused, squinting patronizingly at his guest, "oh come now, major, don't look at me like that. There's no medical privacy in the military. You should know that by now."  
Kaidan snorted, his teeth clenched in dislike. "I'm well aware of the rights I gave up when I joined the Alliance, I'm just not sure why  _YOU_  have access to it."  
Udina brushed the question aside with a wave of his hand. "All above board I assure you."  
He leaned forward, bracing against the desk, "but none of this is important right now. The Alliance needs you! Humanity has one SPECTRE, and she's galavanting around the galaxy. They all are. Our forces are spread thin, and no one is here to protect the council. Who do you think will be the primary target when the reapers arrive, or cerberus for that matter!"  
He pounded his fist, rattling the ice in his empty glass. "You have a duty, major! Everyone is looking to the council for guidance, our protection is of utmost importance. You can sit around bemoaning your injuries, or you can step up and do what you were trained to do!"

Silence hung in the room as Kaidan cautiously studied the politician. His initial dislike warred with the truth emanating from the man's mouth.

"I'll consider your offer, councilor."  
"See that you do. I need an answer in the next twenty-four hours!"


	14. Contact

Shepard groaned as she shoved her helmet into the locker. Her shoulders ached and her eyes burned.  
"Why does Tuchanka have so much dust!" Garrus growled, jabbing a thin brush into the grooves separating the plates in his armor, "I swear I've never been anywhere as dismal as that pile of rubble. Why do we keep going back?"  
"Admit it, Garrus, you secretly love it there," Liara giggled tiredly, "I bet Wrex would make you an honorary clan member."  
"No thank you!"  
Shepard smiled at her friends' antics, but was too weary to join in. She had too much on her mind to enjoy their customary post-mission routine. "I'll clean my gear later, I've got a few things I need to do."  
She ignored their confused expressions and shoved away from the bench.

Light footsteps sounded behind her as she reached the lift, and she waited to close the doors until Liara stepped inside.  
"You know he's just going to clean yours too," the asari grinned, "Garrus can't stand dirty gear sitting around."  
Shepard rested her head against the wall, letting her eyes droop closed for a minute, "I know. Just trying to be helpful, keep him busy."  
Liara smiled again, then paused, brows furrowing as she debated whether to ask a question. Curiosity won out.  
"Have you written the major yet?"  
Jae clenched her jaw, "I'm  _really_  not interested in talking about it."  
A strained silence closed over them, and she reluctantly opened her eyes.  
"I'm sorry, Liara, I just- it's been weeks, I don't even know what to say now. I should have just sent a message the next day and been done with it."  
Her friend nodded, graciously accepting the apology, "I know, but you made him a promise. Do you really want to throw everything away because it might be awkward?"  
The elevator slowed to a stop, its doors sliding silently open.  
"I'll write him tonight, I promise."  
Shepard straightened her shoulders and stepped into the CIC. "Right now, a turian and a krogan need to have a  _polite_ conversation about a bomb."  
  


* * *

  
A single lamp glowed in the room as Shepard sat in front of her console. The empty window on the screen seemed to mock her.  
An hour had passed since she'd locked the door, removed her boots, and sat at the desk.  
An hour of nothing.  
Liara's eyes would squint in disappointment tomorrow. The blue of her irises changed color easily, reflecting her current mood. A slight purple tint when she was angry, greenish when she was was upset. Tomorrow they would be gray.  _Did all asari have this trait? Or was Liara just special?_  
Shepard groaned and shoved her chair back in disgust. Another tangent, probably the fiftieth one her mind had taken tonight. How could writing a simple letter be so damn hard!  
Maybe she needed a hot shower, something to ease the tension in her neck.

She'd just unbuttoned the top button of her uniform when a green light flashed and drew her attention. A new message.

> _**/** Major Kaidan Alenko, SPECTRE Offices_  
>  _Location:  Presidium, Citadel_
> 
> _Commander,_  
>  _Wanted to let you know a few things._  
>  _I'm not sure who I report to in the Alliance anymore, but since you were the last command I served with, I wanted to make sure you'd been notified. I know you're busy so I'll keep the personal communications brief._  
>  _Councilor Udina requested that I transfer to council authority as a SPECTRE. They're worried about security now more than ever, and I think he wanted to make sure one of his bodyguards was human._  
>  _As the only other human SPECTRE, I'd appreciate any advice you can give me._  
>  _Thank you for the suggestion to re-read old messages, it was a good one. I've even started remembering a few things. Just random snapshots here and there, but I think it's a good sign._  
>  _I know we both have more important responsibilities right now, but I would really like to discuss a few things with you. If you're still willing, please message me at your convenience._
> 
> _M. K Alenko **\**_

Shepard closed out the window and finished undressing, forcing herself to shower slowly as she decided how to answer.  
The words she wanted to say jumbled and sputtered each time she practiced, and by the time she was done all desire to reply had vanished.  
Leaving the warm bathroom, she returned to the desk to read the message again...and again...and again.

Suddenly, she lurched to her feet, scrambled for the omni-tool she'd tossed onto the bed, and keyed in a command before she could talk herself out of it.  
Her screen flickered gray, the image too dark to make out.  
"Commander?"  
Sounds shuffled in the background and with a 'click' the image lit up.  
Kaidan's face filled the screen, eyes blurry with sleep.  
"Oh-" Jae stuttered, as she realized in her haste she'd triggered an active call. "-I'm sorry, I figured you'd be asleep so I meant to just leave a message, but I guess I-"  
She trailed off, face flushed.  
"Well, I  _WAS_  asleep." He pressed his lips together, either angry or amused. Three years ago she'd have known immediately.  
She swallowed nervously, "I'm not normally flustered like this. You probably think all those reports you're reading are made up, but I promise you once thought I was a decent officer."  
He chuckled, running a hand through his messy hair. Wavy curls stuck out in all directions and Shepard swallowed, willing her mind to forget that the last time she'd seen his hair so disheveled - it had been  _her_  hands that caused it.  
"Well, commander, I did ask you to contact me at your convenience, so I guess I can't complain about the time."  
He shifted forward towards the screen, then glanced down. This time it was  _his_  face that flushed pink. "Uh, let me get a shirt on, and I'll call you back, ma'am."  
The image blinked out, and Jae laughed in relief. He was exactly as she remembered - familiarity in one sentence and formality the next, to cover embarrassment.  
Perhaps this wasn't a lost cause after all.


	15. Steps

Kaidan's heart pounded as he shrugged into a long sleeved undershirt.  
Writing letters back and forth had seemed such a reasonable way of communicating. He wasn't prepared for a face to face conversation, not after the messages he'd read and the flashbacks he'd seen recently.  
They'd had a relationship, he knew that now. He even knew intimate details of their time together, but he couldn't  _remember_  them. How do you even have that conversation?

The dream he'd had the night before flashed into his brain.

_"Seriously, Lt.?" Ashley snorts in amusement, "put your tongue back in your mouth."_   
_He squints his eyes in feigned confusion._   
_"I don't know what you're talking about, Williams, and if you're smart - no one else will either."_   
_She laughs, kicking the workbench he's sitting at._   
_"You can't even make a proper threat! How'd you ever make it this far in life?"_   
_"I'm pretty, what else?"_   
_She dips her head in exaggerated defeat, "touché."_   
_"It's not really that obvious, right?"_   
_"What's obvious?" Ashley's eyes widen in innocence, "I thought you didn't know what I was talking about?"_   
_"Williams-"_   
_"Ok, look, you're sweet, Alenko, seriously a nice person. I'd have my ass handed to me if I teased anyone else like I do you. But yeah, it's really obvious. Maybe you've never had a crush before, cuz I've seen teenagers with a better poker face."_   
_He groans, face suddenly hot._   
_"Well, I'm going to go find an airlock to eject myself from."_   
_"A sentiment worthy of Shakespeare himself, but I wouldn't worry about it. The commander doesn't seem to mind having a puppy-dog follow her around." She deftly catches the mesh glove he tosses at her head, "just tone it down a little around the crew, yeah?"_

Kaidan had read about the gunnery chief's death on Virmire. Thinking of her didn't bring the sorrow that it should, and that in itself grieved him, because the few memories he'd gained told him she'd been a good friend.  
He selfishly wished she still lived, that she could discuss these memories with him; confirm what was true and shed some light on his relationship with the commander. So far the only person he could ask was Shepard herself, a terrifying proposition if he'd ever heard one.  
Perhaps he was overthinking this? She obviously still felt something for him, her tone of voice and hand on his arm betrayed that; but the most glaring question, one he didn't want to explore, was how did  _he_ feel?  
Everything he knew about Shepard filled him with the utmost respect. An impressive soldier, inspiring leader, and a beautiful woman. A deeper admiration on his part wasn't too unbelievable.  
He even remembered something closer to affection, but what did it all mean? Could he truly love a woman based on scattered memories and the understanding that he was supposed to?  
Was any of this even relevant anymore?  
Their paths had completely diverged. She was on a long diplomatic mission, brokering cooperation between races. He'd accepted a position on the citadel, coordinating with C-SEC to bolster security against future threats. If he allowed himself to fall back into a relationship with this woman, would they even have time for it?

_Yeah, he was definitely overthinking this._

* * *

  
"So a SPECTRE, huh?"  
The orange glow from Shepard's omni-tool and the bluish backlight from the fish tank merged to reflect odd shadows on the wall.  
"It's weird," Kaidan shrugged, "it doesn't feel like the honor everyone makes it out to be. I just report to a different set of people now."  
"At least you're not the first, that was a whole level of fame I could've done without."  
"I bet."  
They both fell silent.  
Bubbles erupted from a corner of the tank behind her, and faint shadows mimicked their progression up the wall.  
Shepard's fingers tapped an anxious beat on the side of her chair.  
"So-" Kaidan started, reaching up to the rub the back of his neck.  
"So-" She replied.  
He grinned, his face relaxing into a familiar easy expression, "so, this is even more awkward than I expected."  
Shepard sighed in relief, words tumbling out, "I don't even know what to say, Kaidan. We have so much history. Things weren't that great between us before you ended up in the hospital, and now-"  
She paused, unsure if she'd said too much.  
He nodded slowly, "I gathered that. The last few letters we wrote were very, uh, tense."  
"That's an understatement."  
Kaidan shook his head ruefully, "reading the last message I sent you was embarrassing. I said some very harsh things, commander, and I sincerely apologize."  
"Don't call me commander," Shepard fiddled with a loose thread on her sleeve, "everyone else does, but you haven't addressed me formally in years. It sounds so foreign."  
He didn't reply, and after a minute she forced her gaze up. His expression was guarded, impossible to read.  
"I need to know exactly what we're dealing with here." His words, devoid of emotion, were chosen carefully. "I have some memories of us, but I don't want to assume a deeper relationship than existed. Ignoring regulations is not something I've ever taken lightly, but it seems that in this situation I did. In addition to that complex problem, it seems we lost each other's trust along the way, and that needs to be resolved. And I-"  
His mouth quirked into an embarrassed grimace, "why are you smiling?"  
Shepard pressed her lips together, biting back the chuckle threatening to escape. A heavy weight lifted from her shoulders and she leaned back in the chair, propping both feet up on the desk.  
"I think you summed up the situation perfectly, major, I guess we do have a lot to talk about." Unable to contain her relief, she grinned broadly, "why don't you start. Tell me about these memories you've regained."


	16. Security

"Yes sir, I'm the one that asked for you."  
The C-SEC officer stood to shake his hand, before handing over a datapad, "one of my techs noticed this discrepancy in an outgoing broadcast."  
Kaidan scanned through the report, stopping at a mention of the council, "what am I looking at here, captain?"  
"At first it looked like a simple news article, someone forwarding a vid, but when we looked closer we realized the broadcast signature had been tampered with." The turian leaned forward, his talon tapping at a paragraph on the screen, "someone piggybacked a second signal onto the message."  
"And this is what they sent? C-SEC's identification code for each of the council members? Who was it sent to?"  
"We don't know, sir. It was someone off-station, though, so it could be practically anyone."  
Kaidan pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration, "do we at least know who sent it?"  
The captain bristled, mandibles twitching, "it didn't come from C-SEC. The signal originated closer to the council chambers."  
"Who has access to that signal besides your department?"  
"Only a few in the council offices have an access code, but anyone who works in the building could hypothetically get their hands on one. Executor Pallin told the council for years that security there is too lax."  
Kaidan nodded as he scrolled back through the report, "I've noticed that as well."  
He straightened and handed the datapad back to the officer, "well, they have to listen now, let's talk about extra security."  
  


* * *

  
"I'm not going to parade around with an entourage." Udina jabbed his finger at Alenko's chest in annoyance, "I'm a busy man, you know, I can't sacrifice my schedule to the whims of C-SEC."  
Kaidan breathed deeply, resisting the urge to flatten the man's nose.  
The conference room was empty except the two humans and three glowing images of the other council members. They'd started the discussion of security twenty minutes ago, so far it wasn't going well.  
"I agree with Councilor Udina," The turian councilor declared, "I won't cower for an unconfirmed threat. If we took that attitude, we'd never accomplish anything."  
"Unconfirmed threat?" Kaidan choked on the words. "Someone off-station is in possession of your C-SEC identification codes. They can precisely track your movement on the Citadel. Do you know what that information could do in the wrong hands? Forget sneaking an assassin into the council chambers, they could just pilot a skycar through the correct wall and take you out instantly!"  
The asari raised her hands in an attempt to placate him, "we will simply have to be extra cautious. I'll alert my personal bodyguard of the threat."  
The three councilors turned towards their final member, waiting for his contribution.  
The salarian councilor blinked uncomfortably, glancing slowly between Kaidan and Udina, "I believe every threat should be treated as legitimate until proven otherwise."  
Udina snorted in derision, "well, councilor, _you_  can have an armed guard babysit you while you sleep. The rest of us won't bow down to unnecessary fear."  
The salarian's shoulders stiffened. "I did not say I needed an armed guard, Councilor Udina, I simply stated a fact. I trust Major Alenko will treat the threat with the utmost respect as he investigates."  
"Yes, major, thank you for bringing it to our attention." The asari councilor dipped her head in dismissal as the images blinked out.  
Udina smoothed the collar of his robe before turning towards the door, "let me know if you discover anything else, major."

Kaidan stood for a moment in disbelief as the door closed, confusion halting all movement.  _What the hell just happened?_ Was the council really that oblivious?  
Udina was the one that asked him to become a SPECTRE in the first place, stressing that keeping the council safe was his only priority. Why was the man purposefully undermining his attempts?  
Something seemed out of place, and the sooner he discovered it, the safer they'd all be.


	17. Cure

> _**/** Commander Jane Shepard, Normandy SR2_  
>  _Location: Aralakh System, Krogan DMZ_
> 
> _Kaidan,_  
>  _You've probably already heard, but I wanted to tell you in person anyway, well, as "in person" as a message can be._  
>  _We cured the genophage._  
>  _You should've seen Wrex just standing there, the rest of the clan was cheering and he just stood still like he didn't even know what to feel. It was an amazing thing. I think if there was ever a moment worthy of krogan tears, that would have been it._  
>  _Wait...can krogans cry? Maybe not._  
>  _I know what we did, but the full ramifications haven't hit me yet._  
>  _I'm not sure why the genophage has been such a burden for me, but I feel more pride over this one action than anything I've ever accomplished for the Alliance._
> 
> _Mordin. Silly, brave, Mordin. Sacrificing his life for the future of a race he was supposed to hate. Dedicating the last months of his existence towards undermining his greatest scientific achievement._  
>  _He is the true hero. I only hope my own death can mirror that kind of love for others._
> 
> _I know you can't completely understand the impact this has had on me, but I know who you are as a person. I know you'll feel the same sense of justice, even without the memories._
> 
> _I've never told you this, but that's what first drew me - your compassion for all beings, human or otherwise, your sense of right and wrong - that's what I've always admired about you._  
>  _Everyone else saw the powerful biotic, saw the strong-and-silent soldier, but I saw deeper. I saw a man marred by tragedy. A man who used silence as a strength instead of a weakness. A man who was as immovable and constant as they come.  
>  _ _That was sappy. Oh my god, I'm making myself sick just re-reading it. If you EVER show this letter to anyone I will shoot you. You probably don't think I could, but believe me, I would personally put a slug right through your chest. I have a reputation to uphold, after all._
> 
> _All joking aside, I do mean it, every last sappy stupid word. You changed me, Alenko._
> 
> _Stay safe for me,_  
>  _J Shepard **\  
>    
>  **_

* * *

> __****  
> /Major Kaidan Alenko, SPECTRE Offices  
>  _Location: Presidium, Citadel station_
> 
> _Shepard,_  
>  _We'd just received the news about Tuchanka when I got your message. Words cannot even begin to describe how much I wish I'd been there. You've accomplished more good in a few years, then one could dream of doing in a lifetime._  
>  _I'm proud to know you, commander._  
>  _Things are tense here, security is tight and people are getting nervous. Someone is stealing information, vital building plans and access codes. We're doing our best, but somehow it's still getting through._  
>  _It feels like the council is undermining every security measure I put in place. Whoever it is, he or they are very good. I hate to say it but I think it might be Cerberus. If you run across any information that could help, I'd appreciate if you passed it along._
> 
> _I have to be honest, I've written and rewritten this part of the letter for several days. I didn't know how to respond._  
>  _I still don't._  
>  _So I'll just say - thank you._
> 
> _M. K Alenko_
> 
> _Also, I've seen the reports - the wrong side of your gun is the LAST place I'd ever want to be. **\**_
> 
>  


	18. Blunt Force

"Seriously, commander, you don't have anything better to do? You're freaking me out."  
"I'm just checking on my favorite pilot," Jae smiled as she leaned against the back of Joker's chair, "I wouldn't want you to get lonely."  
"Yeah, in case you haven't noticed, I have a super hot co-pilot now. I'm not lonely." He craned his neck up to study her face, "besides, you're too calm right now, too...happy. It's creepy."  
An even voice chimed in from behind them, "the commander's increased serotonin levels are mostly likely attributed to her ongoing correspondence with Major Alenko."  
"EDI! Those messages are private!" Shepard dug her fingernails into the soft leather, resisting the urge to biotically slam the robot into the wall, "don't read them anymore."  
Joker's snort of derision drowned out the AI's apology, "Kaidan? You're talking to Kaidan now? I thought we had a problem with that guy."  
Shepard cocked her head to one side in confusion, "why would we have a problem? I thought you two were friends?"  
"Hmmm, why wouldn't I like the guy? It might have something to do with calling us all Cerberus traitors, abandoning us on Horizon, dislocating my shoulder-"  
"He didn't actually call us traitors - wait, when did Kaidan dislocate your shoulder?"  
"Oh, uh...that was a super long time ago. It's no big deal." Joker shoved his hat up nervously and scratched his forehead, "you know, commander, I think I'm a little distracted. I should probably concentrate on flying right now."  
"Joker-"  
"Seriously, do you _want_  me to crash this expensive ship that Cerberus was so nice to rebuild for us?"  


* * *

  
The glowing sphere bobbed to her side when she entered the room, "how may I help you today, commander?"  
Shepard grinned, waving the VI away, "nothing right now, Glyph, thank you."  
Liara stood next to her desk, datapad in one hand, a glass in the other. "A social call," she smiled, tossing the report onto the smooth surface, "I could do with a distraction."  
"When did Kaidan dislocate Joker's shoulder?"  
"Oh," Liara's face fell, "who told you about that?"  
Shepard sighed, throwing herself into a chair.  
"So it's true. Joker let it slip, but refused to tell me anything."  
Her friend tilted the glass back and forth, watching the pink liquid swirl in circles.

"When you died, Kaidan went, well, a little crazy. We didn't see him for days while we waited on Uluru, or at all on the way back to the Citadel. When they held your funeral on earth, he looked-" Liara paused, shaking her head at her inability to adequately describe the memory, "-awful. His hands were shaking. I don't think he'd been eating much, so his biotics were making him sick. He refused to talk to anybody after the service, couldn't get out of there fast enough.  
Garrus and I both saw Joker follow him. By the time we got there, well, I think Joker must have tried to apologize, I didn't hear what he said. I did see Kaidan slam him against the wall. Thankfully his biotics were shaky at best, but still, he could have killed him.  
He seemed shocked at first, just stood there staring at us, but when I tried to approach him he ran out the door. That was the last time I saw him, actually, until you both found me on Mars. In person, of course, I kept tabs on everybody's whereabouts over the years. But I should have tried harder to talk to him. I regret that deeply."

Shepard focused on the floor, a dull ache thrumming deep in her chest. "I'm sorry," she offered lamely, "I didn't realize it was so...bad."  
A mirthless chuckle escaped Liara's lips, and she shook her head, "you died, Shepard, of course it was bad. We all mourned you. Some simply grieved in more tangible ways. The lieutenant, because he loved you; and Joker, because he killed you."  
"It wasn't Joker's fault that-"  
A loud beep cut them off as her pilot's voice echoed over the intercom. "Commander, we're receiving an urgent message from Councilor Valern. You're going to want to hear this."  


* * *

  
"Shit, shit, shit!" Kaidan muttered under his breath as he shoved through the crowded walkways.

Panic hummed in the air as the presidium's peaceful atmosphere reverberated with the mournful wails of a klaxon. A volus merchant screamed in anger at the hastily packed case that slipped from his assistant's clumsy hands. A beautiful asari in expensive silk robes emerged from a doorway, a dozen more asari in matching garments huddled behind her. The crowd parted for this striking entourage, subconsciously showing deference for a commanding presence. Further on, a single hanar evangelist stood resolutely in the middle of the throng, melodious words rising and falling over the buzz of the rushing crowd.  
The council chambers loomed ahead, and Kaidan sprinted the last few feet to the door.  
The lobby was empty. His omni-tool buzzed an alert and he tapped a command, pulling up his C-SEC access override. He studied the small blinking lights carefully before turning down a side passage.  
The room he hunted lay at the very end of the hall and Kaidan pressed his gloveless hand against the palm scanner before lifting the latch carefully.  
"Councilor Sparatus? Councilor Tevos? It's Alenko, I'm coming in."

Three figures greeted his eyes as he stepped into the room, two crouching behind a desk and the third aiming a pistol directly at his heart.  
"Major! Thank heavens!" Udina pulled himself out of hiding and regally straightened his robes, "really, Sparatus, I think you can lower the gun now!"  
The turian nodded and relaxed his stance, "what's going on, major? We haven't heard anything since we barricaded ourselves in here."  
"C-SEC's been hit, looks like Cerberus." Kaidan ran his fingers along the belt strapped to his side, silently ticking off numbers in his head as he continued, "we need to find a shuttle. The  _Destiny Ascension_  is waiting for us if we can get to it."  
He grimaced as he realized how few thermal clips he had left.  
Sparatus peered at him, grunting in disbelief, "that's all you brought? You're not inspiring much confidence, major."  
Kaidan gritted his teeth, refusing to let the councilor's condescending tone anger him, "I wasn't near C-SEC when the attack started, I only have what I was carrying on me."  
He turned to study the room's other two occupants, "where's Councilor Valern?"  
Udina shrugged, "we had a meeting scheduled this afternoon, but he never showed. He could be anywhere."  
Councilor Tevos spoke up quietly, "he knows emergency procedures. He would come straight here if he could."  
Kaidan nodded slowly, weighing his options.  
"We don't have a lot of time, but if we spare a few minutes we may be able to locate Valern. I need to get all four of you to safety."  
"Of course the loss of Councilor Valern would be devastating; but if we wait for him, the galaxy will lose ALL its councilors!"  
Kaidan blinked in disbelief at the vehemence behind Udina's outburst, letting his stunned silence relay his feelings on the idea.  
The man glared at him for a second before glancing to his associates, "I don't like it, but it's the truth. I'm ordering Major Alenko to take us straight to the shuttle."  
The turian glanced towards the door in discomfort; but Tevos nodded almost imperceptibly as she focused on the ground, unwilling to meet his gaze.  
"Fine," Kaidan shook his head in disgust, "we'd better hurry."


	19. Trust

Crouching behind a shattered column, Commander Shepard drew a shaky breath. A high pitched whine echoed from her armor and her shield generator stuttered for a moment before finally recharging.  
"Shepard? Are you alright?" Liara's voice crackled in her ear, "what's going on?"  
"I'm ok, just forgot to duck," she laughed hoarsely, her ribs aching slightly where the slug had impacted her armor.  
She hoped the injected humor would distract from the fact that she really had, in fact, forgotten to duck.

Combat usually shut down all her senses and emotions, except those needed for speed and precision. This ability made her calm and capable under pressure, the perfect soldier, but something was different this time. A small part of her mind rose up in panic every time she allowed herself to remember where she was. There were so many people that she could lose today - people she needed, people she loved.  
Thane was dying, Udina was a Cerberus spy, and Kaidan was out there with him - unaware of the danger.

The hall fell silent as Liara and Garrus dispatched the last assault trooper, and Shepard straightened slowly, completing a quick check of her armor before crossing to the door where her team waited.  
She'd just raised her hand to release the door's lock, when an odd movement caught her eye. A door in the corner of the room shifted open slightly, jerked closed, then open again. This action repeated several times and as she neared, she realized the door was unable to fully close, blocked by something on the other side.  
She jabbed at the malfunctioning door lock, cursing under her breath, but the thing wouldn't budge. Liara pressed at her arm, gently shifting her aside. The asari's fingers flew over the keys and with a beep the door lurched open.  
Jae froze, unable to breathe.  
A human female was slumped across the table, blood spattering the wall behind her. In the corner, a small figure was partially hidden by a bookshelf, his limp body contorted unnaturally. A child, barely nine or ten, his eyes open and empty, the wall around him cracked and scorched.  
A strained gasp echoed behind her as Liara turned quickly from the door, but Shepard couldn't look away.  
Rage boiled up inside her, a slow burn that started in her stomach and inched up her chest. Her face flushed hot as her mind cleared and her hands stilled. All thought of loss disappeared, replaced by a calm anger. Anger towards the one man who'd promised to represent human interests. To protect them. The cowardly politician whose betrayal had caused so much death and destruction.

Shepard ejected her thermal clip and slammed a fresh one into place. Straightening slowly, she growled through gritted teeth, "I will burn that man to the fucking ground."

* * *

  
Acrid smoke stung his nostrils, and Kaidan knew the shuttle was gone before the elevator doors finished opening. His mind raced, frantically cycling through alternate escape routes.  
"We'll have to go down another level," he informed the other three, "there should be a-"  
A loud clang cut him off, and he jerked his head up, jamming his pistol towards the ceiling.  
"Someone's on the roof! Move!" He squeezed off a few shots, hoping to slow down their pursuers, before slamming the door release and dashing after the politicians.  
The platform was empty except for the burning vehicle, no stairs or ramps offered a means of escape. Kaidan swung around and planted himself between the elevator and the shuttle, raising his gun carefully.  
He could hear the faint ring of shifting metal as the elevator hatch scraped open, then a heavy thump as someone dropped to the ground. Silence hung in the air for a second before the doors slid apart.  
"Commander?" He sagged in relief as he recognized the three that exited, "I'm glad you're here."  
The gun in Shepard's hands bucked as a shot rang out, shattering the silence, and Kaidan jumped back in horror. Behind him, Udina howled in fear as the bullet skittered off the ground near his feet.  
"Udina, you lying son-of-a-bitch," Shepard snarled, advancing slowly, "you brought Cerberus here."  
Garrus and Liara mirrored her every move, guns raised.  
Her pistol jumped again, sending another round spinning towards the councilor, this one burying itself in the burning shuttle just behind him.  
Udina cowered, his hands flapping in panic, "No! No! It's a mistake. She's lying!"  
Kaidan immediately shifted to the right, directly in front of the politician, "Shepard, what's going on?" The calm fury in her eyes terrified him and he tightened his grip on the raised pistol.  
"Kaidan, get out of the way," she growled, "he's going to pay for his betrayal."  
"She's still working with Cerberus! She's trying to kill us all!" Udina whined from behind him, "shoot her, major!"  
"Shut the fuck up!" she snarled, "don't you DARE accuse me of that, not after what you've done!"  
"He's unarmed, Shepard, if he's in league with Cerberus we'll get to the bottom of it."  
"Not good enough!" she snapped, advancing another step, "there are hundreds of people dead because of him. Hundreds!"  
"Shepard, my job is to protect the council, I can't let you shoot one of them."  
She gritted her teeth and dropped the barrel slightly so it was no longer aimed at his chest, "please, Kaidan, you have to trust me."  
He hesitated, weighing instinct against responsibility. Her eyes burned into his, begging him to understand, to believe her.

It was the most difficult choice he'd ever made.

Kaidan relaxed his arms, lowering the gun and stepping towards her, "I better not regret this."  
The scraping noise was barely discernible, but his adrenaline-heightened senses identified the threat. He spun towards the sound as light exploded from his outstretched hand - sweeping a  _barrier_  around Shepard just as a bullet slammed into his side, knocking him back a step.

Three gunshots echoed simultaneously from behind him, and Udina slumped back against the shuttle, a small pistol slipping from his grasp.


	20. Waves

"What - the - fuck, Alenko?"  
Fear burned in her voice as she spit out the words.  
"Sorry, Shepard, I guess I gave him too much credit," Kaidan chuckled grimly as he massaged his side. Shields and armor had absorbed the damage, but his newly healed ribs ached with the force of the impact. "In my defense, I think he _was_  trying to aim for you."  
Her eyes flashed in anger and she stalked towards the elevator, muttering under her breath. Garrus followed, chuckling softly, but Liara paused long enough to glance anxiously at Kaidan before turning away.  
The doors slid open just as they reached it, revealing Commander Bailey, but Shepard shoved past him without a word. As soon as her team reached the threshold she slammed a fist against the flashing display, and the elevator shot downward.  
"What's her problem?" Bailey asked as he shuffled forward, scratching his head.  
Kaidan shrugged, too tired to fabricate an excuse, "what's the situation, Bailey?"  
"Most of the Cerberus goons are dead, thanks to Shepard, and the rest of them escaped into the old keeper tunnels. I have some men combing the place just to be sure, but I'd say the threat is officially over."  
Councilor Sparatus cleared his throat as he stepped towards them, "then I think it is time we  _all_  returned to the tower. We need to discuss our next step."

* * *

  
Her two friends remained silent as the elevator descended, and Shepard relaxed against the wall. A dull ache throbbed behind her left eye.  
She tried to process the last hour, but all she could think about was the bullet slamming into Kaidan's side as a blue glow rippled in the air. Rippled around HER. He was an idiot, that was the only logical answer. He was a big fucking idiot who almost died while trying to save her.  
Granted, a single bullet would never have pierced his armor enough to kill him, but he could have been injured  _again_. Images flooded her brain, memories of his ashen face, bruised and bloody. The horrifying crunch as a metal arm slammed him against the burning shuttle.  
She pounded a fist into the wall, wishing she had something to throw.  
Liara shifted beside her, leaning forward slightly to speak, but a pointed look from Garrus snapped her mouth shut.  
_Good old Garrus._    
Shepard made a mental note to visit him more often. They shared a deep understanding of the other as a soldier, something Liara would never grasp.

Her omni-tool beeped quietly, and she flicked open the message.  
  


> _/ERROR-NAME CENSORED, ERROR  
>  _ _Location: ERROR_
> 
> _Shepard,_  
>  _Huerta Memorial. Please come._  
>  _Thane/  
>   
> _

* * *

**  
_Blood pools slowly as empty sunset eyes stare at nothing._**   
_**Gray shadows blot out the sun.**_   
_**Tears refuse to fall.**_   
_**Rage burns slowly. Softly.**_   
_**Deadly.**_   
_"Commander, thank you for coming."_   
_A calm voice breaks through the reverie._   
_His son._   
_" **Father, stay!"  
****Bright eyes plead. Young eyes.  
Her eyes. Yet not.  
****"You will be safe here, Kolyat, I do not want you with me."  
****Tears swim. "Will you come back?"**_   
_"How is he? Is he awake?"_   
_The female voice is familiar yet distant._   
_"May I speak with him?"_   
_"His time is short and his memories are many. My father is caught between the past and present."_   
_**Waves thrash, pounding against the shore.  
****Black sky glows with lightning.  
****His hand opens, bearing a coin. Small, worn, filled with love.  
****"My biggest regret is that you were wrong about me."  
****Gold flashes as dark waters consume it.**_   
_"Thane? Can you hear me?"_   
_The voice pulls him close, a strong current dragging him to shore._   
_"I don't want to lose you without saying goodbye."_   
_Light flickers past the dark clouds, breaking through the fog. Focus shifts, then clears, and he blinks carefully._   
_Above him, emerald eyes shine with tears._

Thane coughed carefully, lungs burning as oxygen scraped the sides.  
"Shed no tears for me today, Shepard. I do not mourn my passing."  
She placed a warm hand in his, her eyes somber, "I am so sorry, Thane."  
"Do not apologize for giving me a gift. For a man to choose his end, to stand tall in courage at his death, that is no small thing. Siha, you-" he turned, inhaling harshly before continuing. "-you gave me hope, gave me-"  
Tremors wracked his body as he convulsed, coughing violently. Determined to finish, he gasped for air, but his lungs finally failed him.  
He grasped her hand tightly, desperate to communicate what his words could not.  
"Commander," Kolyat stepped around the bed, extending a small leather-bound book towards their guest, "my father prepared a few verses for this moment. Perhaps you would read them with me?"  
The warmth of her hand slipped away, and Thane relaxed. He closed his eyes, content to rest and meditate as the mournful words echoed around him.

 _"Kalahira, mistress of inscrutable depths, I ask forgiveness._  
_Kalahira, whose waves wear down stone and sand,_  
_Kalahira, wash the sins from this one, and..."_

The soothing voice faded away as his world fell silent.

A warm sensation tickled his feet and he opened his eyes in confusion. White sand, untouched by footprints, stretched out before him as far as he could see. Crystal clear waves lapped at his ankles, the water cool and comforting.  
The air was sweet and he inhaled, drawing a deep breath of clean oxygen into his lungs. No resistance met his efforts and he smiled.  
No pain.  
A hand touched his shoulder as a soft laugh caught the breeze, and he turned in confusion. A smiling face stared up at him.  
Hands grasped his, pulling him towards her.

Thane smiled in wonderment as sunset colored eyes twinkled in the sun.


	21. Loyalty

Shepard plodded slowly through the corridor, heart aching. The crowd swirling around her pushed and shoved - reuniting with family, mourning the dead, exclaiming over their damaged station. Loss hung heavy in the air, mixing with the stench of death and smoke until it filled her lungs.  
She choked in disgust, swiping at tears that threatened to fall.  
The Normandy's docking bay rose up in front of her, and she quickened her steps, desperate for the privacy of her cabin.  
Heavy ramp doors slid open when she keyed in her access, and she stepped forward, almost tripping over the solid figure that blocked her path.  
"Kaidan," she sighed, the words escaping as a groan of defeat instead of a greeting.  
"Commander," his tone was calm, but the crossed arms and solemn expression betrayed tension, "we need to talk."  
"I know," Jae tapped a finger against her leg in impatience, "I promise we will, but-"  
"No, we need to talk now."  
He shifted, resting a hip against the door frame, "the council doesn't seem too enthusiastic about a human SPECTRE hanging around the office after this incident with Udina, so I spoke to Admiral Hackett about transferring to the Normandy. I'm ready to do that, but I need a few answers first."  
Her heart unclenched a little as a small part of the heavy burden lifted from her shoulders.  
"I would be honored to have you back on my team, Kaidan."  
"Then explain to me what happened back there. I'm having trouble wrapping my head around it."  
"I neutralized a threat. Nothing more, nothing less."  
He shook his head slowly, "no, there  _was_  more. You were about to kill an unarmed man-"  
"Unarmed! He shot you!"  
"That's not the point. As far as you knew, he was unarmed and helpless, and you were about to gun him down without a second thought."  
"He was a threat," Shepard's eyes burned, familiar anger clawing at her throat as she remembered what Udina had done, "an evil human being. It was justice."  
Kaidan slammed a palm into the wall, his voice rising in frustration, "what if he'd surrendered and turned himself over? I saw your eyes, Shepard, you weren't leaving that platform till he was dead!"  
"I don't answer to you, Alenko," she spit out, jaw clenched, "either realize that, or don't bother getting back on my ship."  
Jae turned and stalked up the ramp, muttering angrily under her breath.  
Silence followed her.  
She'd just reached the Normandy's airlock when a strained voice sounded behind her, "I stepped aside, Shepard."  
The guilt-ridden phrase hung heavy in the air, and she paused, torn; but the anger and grief that warred within her rose up, smothering all other emotion. Without a word, she stepped over the threshold, letting the heavy door slam shut behind her.  
  


* * *

  
The dark apartment matched his mood as Kaidan sat on the edge of the bed, head in his hands. Occasionally, muffled sounds broke through the wall from the apartment next door, startling him out of his stupor, but it wasn't enough to fully distract him from his turbulent thoughts.  
The day's events swirled in his head. Every action and reaction pounded at his brain, desperate to be analyzed.  
He'd followed her for four years. Four years of loyalty and trust. His memories remained jumbled and stilted, but he knew enough to piece together an image of Shepard that didn't fit with what he'd witnessed today. He refused to believe that he would have retained such respect for her leadership over the years if it did.  
And now his  _own_  actions were in doubt.  
His life had been defined by a code, a moral understanding of right and wrong. Refusing to protect a helpless man, no matter how corrupt he was, stood out as a stark violation of that code.  
But every time he replayed the memory, looked into her eyes, he couldn't help but admit that he'd make the same choice again in a heartbeat.


	22. Concern

Powerful engines hummed softly as Kaidan exited the airlock. The pilot had begun pre-flight procedures, signaling the crew to prepare for departure.  
Lights flashed softly as commands were entered. Voices hummed around him, soothing in their chaos. The ship seemed familiar, yet different.  
The sight before him swirled into memories.

_Joker reclines lazily in the low seat, a satisfied smirk plastered on his face._   
_"Just admit it," the pilot teases, "if your smile got any wider, your whole face would split in half."_   
_He rolls his eyes, "I'm not smiling. I'm sitting here, calmly doing my job."_   
_"Please, you've been grinning from ear to ear ever since the new XO arrived."_   
_"Commander Shepard is a remarkable woman. And yes, I'll admit that she's attractive, but even if I were interested, there are too many rules standing in the way."_   
_Joker laughs, "so you admit you've thought about it."_   
_He grimaces, "I'm simply looking forward to working very closely with her."_   
_A snort from the other seat prompts a hurried clarification._   
_"Not like that, Joker! Geez!"_

"You gonna have a stroke or something?"  
Kaidan jumped, startled to have the object of his memories appear in front of him.  
"Joker! It's good to see you."  
The pilot rolled his eyes, "yeah, yeah, it's a big happy reunion. Do you mind? You're blocking my way."  
"Oh, of course."  
He stepped aside as Joker stomped past.  
The metallic figure in the co-pilot's seat turned, fixing her unblinking eyes on him.  
"Please excuse Jeff. There is a specific routine he follows before each departure. He has trouble coping if any deviations occur."  
"I heard that, EDI!" Joker tossed over his shoulder in annoyance.  
"I know you did, Jeff."  
Kaidan blinked, almost positive the rigid face had just smiled.  
"Welcome, major," the AI continued, "I believe the commander left instructions for your quarters, please see Specialist Traynor for assistance."  


* * *

  
Jae paced the floor of her cabin, muttering to herself. Her brain skipped and stuttered, refusing to focus on any one thing.  
Images of death bombarded her.  
_Thane, side wet with blood, eyes closed in prayer. Mordin, humming cheerfully as the room burned. The nameless boy, face white with fear.  
_ Images from the beacon slammed into her mind, memories of nameless protheans mixing with those of her friends.  
"Stop! Stop!" she cried, grasping the nearest item and hurling it at the wall, "get out of my head!"  
"Shepard?"  
She spun, gasping for breath.  
"Liara-" she choked, grasping the desk in a desperate attempt to steady herself as the room tilted wildly around her.  
Her friend's face twisted in fear, "what's wrong, Shepard?"  
The room stilled, and Jae slumped against the desk.  
"I can't stop seeing them. The memories. I can't-" she gripped her forehead in frustration, "-I can't get them out of my head."  
Liara grasped her shoulders gently, eyes dark with concern, "Shepard, you look exhausted, how long did you sleep last night?"  
"I didn't."  
"And the night before that?"  
Jae shook her head, too weary to answer.  
"Why haven't you told anyone?! How long has it been, days?"  
"If I sleep, I dream. It's easier to stay awake."  
"How long?" the asari's voice sharpened, demanding a direct answer.  
"Two weeks."  
"Goddess-"  
Shepard shoved away from her and stalked towards the bed.  
"I'm fine, really, I just get this headache every now and then."  
Something crunched under her feet, and she glanced down in confusion. A broken picture frame lay in a field of shattered glass, the familiar image flickering erratically. She blinked slowly, trying to remember how it ended up there.  
"I'm speaking to Dr. Chakwas," Liara spoke softly, "she'll have something to help you sleep."  
"I don't want anything. I need to be sharp. I won't be much help in a crisis if I'm unconscious."  
"Shepard, I don't know if you'd be much help in a crisis right  _now_." The asari shook her head gently, "this is a request, as a friend who cares deeply for you, please let me help you."  


* * *

  
The observation deck glowed brightly as Kaidan entered and tossed his heavy duffel bag onto a bench. His head ached, a protest from his overworked brain.  
Despite the pain, he was pleased with his progress.  
The Normandy was an excellent catalyst. An afternoon of touring the ship had resulted in multiple flashbacks, and he worked carefully to arrange the countless new memories that jumbled in his mind.

He was so preoccupied that he barely heard the door chime, turning just in time to see his guest enter.  
"Major," Liara's pinched face radiated anxiety, "may I speak with you?"  
He nodded, waving towards a set of chairs.  
The asari settled into the seat, hands clasped in her lap, eyes tight with worry, "I'm worried about the commander."  
She glanced up and when he simply nodded, she continued, "she's not herself anymore. I saw it when she confronted Udina. I believe you saw it as well."  
Kaidan nodded again, waiting to comment until she finished.  
"Her nightmares are getting worse.  _Much_  worse, and very rapidly. She's not sleeping, I don't think she's eating. I'm not sure what to do-"  
"And you're hoping I can help?"  
Liara shrugged, "I know she listens to you, or at least she used to. She needs a calming presence around her right now. Something to keep her from unraveling."  
"I don't know that I'll do much good," Kaidan sighed, rubbing the back of his neck, "it's gotten complicated, especially now."  
"The medication Dr. Chakwas gave her should keep her sedated the rest of the evening and through the night. Please, Kaidan, try to talk to her then."


	23. Time

A distant pounding jerked Kaidan from his restless sleep.  
Silence pressed at him in the darkness, and it took him a moment to realize the pounding radiated from his skull - a migraine lurking at the base of his neck, threatening to ruin the next twenty-four hours if he didn't take some medication soon.  
He sat up, rubbing his jaw.  
The room felt different, new. Something stirred in his mind, dancing at the edges of his consciousness, and he struggled to put his finger on it, sifting through what he remembered of his dream. Nothing concrete, just bits and pieces, feelings, emotions.

_Billowing fire. The Normandy splinters in the cold darkness._  
_A single tiger-lily against the dark wood of a casket._  
_Excruciating pain as the agile gynoid slams his spine against the shuttle._  
_A split second of stunned horror as Jenkins tumbles to the ground._  
_Garrus and Tali teasing him about the methodical organization of his locker._  
_Ashley's voice yelling at him, determined yet sad._  
_A soft smile, bright green eyes sparkling with laughter._  
_Deep, agonizing betrayal as he pages through an Alliance report of Cerberus' new recruit._

Kaidan froze. His scattered thoughts sharpening into an overwhelming realization.  _It's all there._  Every sound and every sight, perfectly organized.  
He could smell the sharp earthy stench of the Thorian's lair. He could feel the icy blast of the subzero temperatures on Noveria. He could hear his heart beating as he knocked on a closed door the night before they arrived at Ilos.  
His face suffused with heat as his mind latched onto that final memory, replaying every last aching detail.

 

* * *

  
Shepard shifted on the mattress, turning to glance at the soft blue numbers her omni-tool projected towards the ceiling above her: _0400 hours._  
Sleep still clung to the edge of her consciousness, yet her mind was clear and focused. She'd slept last night, a sweet dreamless sleep. For the first time in months, the guttural voices of fear and accusation that lurked in the dark corners of her brain had remained silent.  
She let her mind drift slowly over the events of the last few days, analyzing every choice. The memories were hazy, as if performed by another, but the guilt she felt was razor sharp. The woman in these images was a stranger, sharp and cold, saying and doing things that she'd never imagined of herself.  
Shepard groaned and pulled herself up to a sitting position.  
A soft knock startled her and she rose quickly, crossing the room to manually unlock the door.

Kaidan stood in front of her, buzzing with a restless energy. Heat burned in his eyes, familiar and thrilling. She caught her breath in confusion.  
He strode deliberately into the room, tapping the console so the door swished closed behind him, and Shepard took a small step back, suddenly unsure of his intentions - their last conversation had not ended well.  
"Kaidan, I need to apologize for-"  
"That's not important right now."  
"No, it is. I don't know why I-"  
The thought disappeared as Kaidan slammed her back against the inlaid fish tank. His lips searched for hers, heavy and violent in their hunger. She leaned into the embrace, her body matching his desperate need, her hands gripping the curve of his neck. The room blurred around them.

After a minute, he slowed, shifting his weight back. Strong hands caressed her face, entwining in her hair as he leaned down to whisper in her ear, "I remember."  
Jae pushed back, eagerly searching his eyes, "everything?"  
The smile that broke across his face was all the answer she needed, and she rested her head back against the blue glass, "I've missed you."  
His expression softened, "I'm here now," he murmured softly, as he pulled her close, "we'll make up for lost time."

 

* * *

  
Comfortable silence hung over the room.  
Kaidan brushed a finger over soft skin, tracing the outline of Shepard's shoulder as he watched her face.  
She sighed in contentment, shifting on the bed to face him, "I'm glad you came back."  
"Me too," he grinned, leaning over to kiss her freckled nose.  
She closed her eyes, sliding an arm up to support her head. "Kaidan, I-" Shepard's face fell, forehead pinched in discomfort, "-I didn't mean-"  
"What's wrong?" He asked in concern as her words trailed away.  
Her eyes slid open, meeting his gaze with regret.  
"You were right about Udina, I lost control. I've never done that before. I saw him standing there, and all I could see were the victims. I heard their voices, begging, screaming at me to shoot him. But there was...there was someone else, a voice, taunting me. Telling me that you'd die if I didn't. I...I saw it, it showed me in my mind." Her face flushed and she glanced up, searching his face for disbelief.  
Her voice was low as she continued, "I'm not crazy, Kaidan."  
His chest ached at the angry, vulnerable light in her eyes, and he wrapped his arms around her.  
"You're not crazy, Shepard. The amount of stress you've been under..." He tipped her chin back so he could look into her eyes, "you are the strongest person I know."

 


	24. Laughter

Liara tossed and turned all night, a pale, haunted face consuming her dreams. She clung to the hope that a good night's rest would prove sufficient for curing Shepard; but logic whispered in the back of her brain, comparing the symptoms she'd witnessed to other cases they'd encountered over the last three years.  
As soon as the clock registered an appropriate time, she tossed off the covers and hurried from the cabin.  
Sharing a months-long habit of insomnia with her friend left her with intimate knowledge of Shepard's early morning routine, but a quick check in the mess hall revealed no commander drinking a hot beverage. The main battery also proved empty, although she passed a blurry-eyed Garrus on the way out.  
The observation deck was another of their favorite tea-drinking locations, but Liara bypassed it this morning, hesitant to disturb Major Alenko again.  
Confident that Shepard wasn't on this level, she returned to her office.  
"EDI," she called, slipping out of the casual robe and shrugging into her customary white tunic and leggings, "is Shepard already at her station?"  
The patient voice of the AI answered immediately, "negative, Dr. T'soni, the commander has not left her cabin since yesterday evening."  
Liara quickly calculated in her head. The medication must have worked, that was a plus, but Dr. Chakwas assured her the dosage wouldn't keep someone under more than eight hours.  
"EDI, please connect me to Shepard's cabin."  
"The commander's intercom is disconnected at this time."  
"Why?"  
"It is disconnected, therefore I cannot ask her why."  
"I do not appreciate sarcasm this morning, EDI."  
"I apologize, doctor."  
The asari settled at her desk, determined to work until she heard from her friend. There really was no need to disturb her if she was still resting.

Reports passed methodically in front of her eyes as an hour passed, but none of the information registered. Finally, Liara rubbed her eyes in defeat, closing the screen in front of her.  
"EDI, try to connect me to Shepard's cabin again."  
"It still appears to be disconnected."  
"And you are sure she's in her room?"  
"Affirmative, doctor."  
The clock on the console now read _0630_ , past time for the full crew to be at station. Only an emergency would keep a ship's commander in her cabin this late.  
  


* * *

  
Hot water streamed over her head, sweeping away the last remnants of drowsiness. Shepard smiled as Kaidan rested his forehead against her jaw, warm breath tickling her neck while strong hands caressed her waist.  
"I think we should make this a habit," she teased lightly, "sharing a shower is a very responsible way to conserve water."  
"Hmm," the voice behind her murmured in agreement, its owner more focused on imprinting a row of kisses down her shoulder.  
"Kaidan," she chided, twisting gently out of his grasp and turning to face him, "I need to get dressed. I have a call scheduled with Admiral Hackett and-"  
"I love your freckles."  
His unexpected declaration took her by surprise and he used the brief hesitation to his advantage, capturing her mouth for a kiss.  
"Kaidan, you're not listening to me." The admonition, though said in an amused tone, was sincere and he stepped back in resignation.  
The door chimed before he could reply, and they both froze.  
"Shit!" Shepard exclaimed, shoving the shower doors open and groping for a towel in the tiny steam filled room. "It's probably Liara or Dr. Chakwas checking on me. Stay in here!"  
  


* * *

  
The hallway leading to the captain's cabin was still dark when Liara stepped off the elevator, and she quickened her steps, suddenly sure that the worst had happened.  
The chime rang loudly when she pressed it, but she could still make out the sounds of faint movement from behind the door.  _Thank the goddess, Shepard was awake._  A minute passed, and then another, before the locks clicked softly as they disengaged.  
The commander stood in the door, casually drying her hair with a towel. "Good morning!"  
The words rang out unnaturally loud in the small room.  
"Hello, Shepard, I wanted to check on you and see how your night went."  
A faint flush crossed the human's face, and she stumbled slightly over her reply, "it...it was fine. I slept very well, thank you."  
A distinct noise registered in Liara's brain, and she turned slightly, confused, "are you planning on taking another shower after your hair is dry?"  
"Oh...uh...I must have forgotten to turn it off after I got out," Shepard stepped back, "no, no, I got it."  
She crossed quickly to the bathroom door, sliding it open just enough to shove her arm through. The water trickled off and she turned, slamming the door closed and leaning against it. "Thank you for the medicine last night, it was exactly what I needed. I feel more alert this morning than I have in months."  
"Is everything alright? You seem agitated."  
"Fine! I just need to get dressed, Hackett won't be happy if I make him wait."  
"Alright, if you're sure." Liara's eyes narrowed in doubt, but she allowed her friend to usher her to the door.  
"Agitation could be a side effect with medication like this, I would definitely speak to Dr. Chakwas if-"  
"I'm perfect, Liara, thank you for checking on me."  
"You are welcome, Shepard. When you are ready, I would like to discuss EDI with you. I believe she is developing a little too much personality. She may need to be reminded that in the morning a little goes a long-"  
"I'll make that a priority as soon as I can. Thanks again!"

Liara couldn't be sure, but she thought she detected a faint giggle erupting from behind her as the elevator doors closed.


	25. Friendly Fire

"The quarians are a formidable ally, we can't afford to have them wasting effort on a foolish crusade against the geth." Hackett's face crackled with static, distorting his expression, "we'll only win this war by showing a united front. Do what it takes to make them see reason."  
"Understood, sir."  
The transmission blinked out, and Shepard exited the communications room.  
Kaidan leaned against the outer railing of the war room, focused intently on the report in his hand. He glanced up when she settled beside him.  
"What's our next move?"  
Shepard shook her head in annoyance, "we have to convince the quarians that fighting the reapers is more important than fighting geth."  
"What I don't understand is the timing of it all. Why decide to take Rannoch back now?"  
She shrugged, "I grew up on a ship - we never stayed in the same place. You always feel like you're sitting on the edge of your seat, waiting for the next change. I can understand wanting a piece of solid ground to call home."  
"But do the geth deserve to be homeless instead, simply because they're biometrically different?"  
Shepard groaned in disgust, "I don't know. It's amazing the lengths people will go out of fear. The genophage, turning on the geth, even the First Contact War, they all occurred because someone thought the unknown was worse than making a terrible decision."  
"A good reminder for our own actions."  
"All I know is that the reapers continue to destroy our home while we sit out here babying a bunch of foolish admirals." She shoved away from the rail and turned, striding towards the door, "we need to talk to Tali."

* * *

  
"Shepard to quarian fleet, hold fire, hold fire!"  
The geth dreadnought shuddered as a barrage of missiles slammed against the hull.  
"They're not responding!" distortion crackled around the voice that echoed in Shepard's headset.  
"Damn it! They're ignoring us!" She sprinted down the platform, "Legion, get us out of here!"  
"Affirmative, Shepard-Commander, please continue to the docking bay."  
The circular chamber they'd stumbled into continued up and down as far as she see, several hundred stories tall. Level after level of platforms ran around the outer edge, creating a spiraled maze. In the center of the chamber rose a tall column, seemingly spanning the entire height of the dreadnought; and the middle, between platform and column, simply dropped into nothingness.  
Another attack shook the air and the floor rocked beneath them. A high pitched cry rang out behind her. Shepard turned just in time to see Kaidan grasp the quarian's wrist as she pitched wildly to the side.  
"I can't believe they're firing on us," Tali squeaked, her voice shaking, "they know we're still in here, right?"  
"Don't think about it right now, we've got to get to Legion before this whole ship is shot to hell."  
A high pitched whine rang out, sharp feedback garbling their communication.  
"Shep...mander...commandeered a...fighter...only launch from...upper level…"  
"Legion, repeat. Legion?"  
The earsplitting screech continued to reverberate around them and Shepard motioned her team to pick up the pace.  
"We're almost there, that door should lead to the next-"  
A deep explosion rippled in the air, shattering the platform beneath their feet and catapulting them in different directions. Suddenly airborne, she thrashed as she spun, desperately searching for her team. Smoke and debris swirled around her, but she couldn't see the other two anywhere.  
The column suddenly rose up behind her, vibrating her body with the force of the impact as her shoulder slammed into it. With a grunt of pain, she groped clumsily for a handhold on the slick surface.  
"Kaidan! Tali! Can you hear me?"  
Silence answered her. An unnatural emptiness in her helmet sparked the realization that her audio input had blown.  
Shepard paused, breathing raggedly as she studied her surroundings. Remnants of the destroyed platform jutted out from the wall two levels below and she twisted awkwardly, searching for a door.  
There, if she was on the docking bay level now, that door should take her to safety.  
_"You won't make it, Shepard,"_ the tiny whisper in her head echoed with a thousand deep voices, _"there is no hope."  
_ "I don't believe that," she muttered under her breath, "I won't."  
_"Your team is dead, we killed them. You will die as well."  
_ Her eyes slid unwillingly down and her stomach lurched, empty space lurked beneath her as far as the eye could see. Images filled her mind - _fingers scrabbling on the glossy surface, knees gripping desperately for a hold against the column, three bodies resting at the bottom of the deep well - arms twisted clumsily, eyes open and empty as blood soaks the floor._  
"No! That isn't going to happen!"  
A guttural cry tore from her throat as she launched herself off the column with as much force as she could muster.


	26. Paranoia

Shepard jerked her harness off and scooted out of the geth fighter before the cargo bay doors finished closing behind them. Kaidan scrambled out after her, jogging behind with Tali as the commander's footsteps thudded angrily against the concrete.  
"Shepard," Tali's voice quivered slightly, "wait! What are you going to do?"  
The red-head swung around to face her, eyes flashing, "I'm going to deal with our _guests_ ," the helmet in her hands sailed across the room, faceplate splintering as it crashed into the wall, "the ones who blasted a ship out from under us!"  
"Deal with them how? I'm sure they thought they were making the right decision, protecting the fleet-" the quarian's words died in her throat, choking off in fear, and Kaidan threw himself between them just as the commander shoved a glowing fist towards her. His arms wrapped around Shepard's shoulders and he wrestled her backwards, dragging her into the lift.  
"Wait here, Tali," his strained expression brooked no argument as he fumbled around with his elbow to activate the elevator doors.

"What the hell is going on!" His voice thundered in the small area, as soon as they were moving.  
Shepard shoved him off, twisting violently to slam a fist into the wall.  
"They were trying to kill us! They wanted me dead!"  
"Of course the geth wanted you dead!"  
"No!" her voice shook with emotion, "the quarians, they're working with the reapers! They wanted me dead so the reapers would win!"  
"What!" Kaidan cried, concern tugging at his mind.  
"I saw it, what they wanted, all of us dead...blood everywhere!" Her hands trembled as she pressed them to her side.  
"Shepard, listen to me, the quarians aren't working with the reapers. They simply panicked when they saw the shields go down."  
She shook her head desperately, "no, no, you didn't see it. They showed me!"  
He stepped towards her, gently capturing her hands in his and pressing them to his chest, "I'm fine, Tali's fine, you're fine. We're safe." He placed a hand on her cheek, brushing the matted hair from her eyes with his thumb, "the quarians are our allies, they simply made a mistake."  
The tension in Jae's shoulders relaxed, and the fear seemed to fade from her eyes as a dark flush crept over her face.  
"I'm so sorry, Kaidan, I don't know what came over me. I just, I don't know, panicked, I guess."  
He smiled tightly, faced creased with exhaustion, "do you want me to come with you to confront the admirals?"  
"No, I'm fine, go get your gear cleaned up."

* * *

  
Kaidan and Liara huddled around the doctor's desk as she scanned her console screen.  
"When did you first start noticing the change?" Chakwas asked, pulling up a time stamp search.  
"The strain has been wearing on her for the last couple months," the asari spoke up, "but the first obvious change was the last encounter on the Citadel."  
"It's getting worse very quickly," Kaidan added, "paranoia, uncontrolled anger, mood swings. When we were on the dreadnought, she was impecable. Efficient, calm, everything we expect of her leadership - but then we were separated. When she scrambled through that door into the geth docking bay, she was an entirely different person."  
"There," the doctor tapped her screen, "biometric readings from Shepard's helmet during the cerberus attack on the Citadel. Look at the brain scans." She traced a finger down the wavy lines, "she's relatively calm, focused, lots of little spikes that could be attributed to the amount of adrenaline experienced during battle. But look at this - a sudden, massive surge in brain activity."  
"We saw a horrible sight," Liara squinted in distaste as she recalled the experience, "could that change be caused by sudden anger or distress?"  
"I don't think so. The sensor picked up a large spike in her heart rate right before, that's most likely what you're referring to. This is different, abnormal. I'm afraid I'm not completely qualified to diagnose something like this."  
Kaidan frowned, "we can't just ignore it. Should I alert Admiral Hackett?"  
Doctor Chakwas shook her head slowly, "I believe that would be premature, major. I'll continue to research this, please keep me updated of any increasingly unusual behavior."


	27. Banter

The deep voice reverberated around the rocky basin, vibrating deep into her chest as she stood on the edge. Rannoch's hot sun reflected off the orange clay and she blinked away the sweat dripping from her brow.  
"The cycle must continue, there is no alternative."  
Shepard shook her head in disgust, "there is an alternative! We killed Sovereign, we killed Harbinger, and we just destroyed you. I think you underestimate our strength."  
"Strength in what? You have no understanding of our power." Red electricity danced around the glowing eye as the reaper's voice deepened, "even the strongest of minds can be conquered. Where will your strength lie then?"  
"You talk too much." She lifted her gun and squeezed the trigger, jumping back as the crimson eye fizzled and sparked before shorting out.  


* * *

  
"You single-handedly killed a reaper  _and_  convinced the geth and quarians to work together, are you trying to make the rest of us look bad?"  
Joker spun his seat, swinging his arms in an exaggerated robotic manner as the chair turned, "I'm...Commander Shepard, I do...amazing...things like cure the genophage...and end...a generations-long war. What do you do? You fly a ship? Pish-posh, I could do that in my sleep!"  
"Pish-posh?" Shepard laughed, "what does that even mean?"  
"Oh, you know, 'you're stupid, Joker', I'm pretty sure that's what it means. Ok fine, I don't know. I read it somewhere."  
Another snort of laughter bubbled up inside her, and she settled back into the chair as he chattered on.  
"I can't believe we have the whole gang back together again. It was great to see Tali. Is she really an admiral?"  
"She's an admiral."  
"But really? Like an actual admiral, not just something they told her to shut her up?"  
"She's an admiral, Joker."  
"Our little kiddo's all grown up."  
She chuckled at that, "we've all grown up, even you with your massive crush on a robot!"  
"Hey, that's not...that's...that's entirely accurate, actually."  
"I know," Shepard grinned, "I'm really happy for you. Your babies will be terrifying."  
"Har, har, har, you're hilarious, commander. Besides, you're one to talk, your kids will be, well, they'll probably be beautiful actually. With Kaidan's eyes, and your hair-"  
"Joker!"  
"What?" he feigned innocence, "what did I say?"  
"You can't say stuff like that! The crew will get the wrong idea!"  
"The wrong idea? The WRONG idea?" Joker burst into prolonged fake laughter, clutching his belly dramatically, "oh," he pretended to wipe tears from his eyes, "thank you, I needed that."  
"Joker-"  
"Seriously, commander, I don't know why you bother."  
Shepard rolled her eyes, "just don't go around telling anyone, ok?"  
"Yeah, sure, but you might want to tone down the happiness a little. Maybe yell at someone at least once a day. It'll help your cover."  
"Thanks, I'll try that."  
Joker paused a moment before shifting uncomfortably in his chair, "we talked a couple days ago. We're good."  
"What?"  
"Kaidan. The whole, you know, dislocation thing."  
"Oh, good," she bit her lip to keep from smiling.  
"It wasn't that big of a deal. We're cool. He's cool. Really. I wouldn't want you to think badly of him. We were all upset. Cause you died, I mean-"  
His words trailed off sadly and she quickly changed the subject, "these leather seats really are comfortable, I can see why you made such a big deal when Cerberus put them in."  
"I know, right! So much better than the crappy Alliance-issued stuff," he placed both hands behind his neck and stretched back to emphasize his point, "although, it seems to be lost on EDI, she can't appreciate that chair like you can."  
"Well, she does have a metal body, Joker," Shepard grinned playfully.  
"No, really? I hadn't noticed! Thanks for pointing that out!"  
They settled into a comfortable silence, both content to watch the stars pass by. The CIC was dark behind them, all non-essential crew currently completing a sleep cycle.  
Shepard closed her eyes, fatigue edging into her consciousness. Maybe she could take a quick nap here. Walking all the way back to the elevator seemed like such hard work right now, and the leather really was comfortable.

Joker's voice was so low she almost didn't hear it, "we're gonna beat them, right?"  
She blinked, pulling herself back to reality.  
"Yeah. We're going to beat them, Joker."  
"Good."


	28. Asari

Two weeks after Udina's coup, the atmosphere in the Presidium radiated a calm tension. Shopkeepers loudly pushed their wares. Friends strolled arm in arm along the paths, gossiping about the war effort. Everyone seemed desperate to forget the horrible attack and return to normal, yet no one could. C-SEC's presence in the once peaceful center had tripled; scorch marks and bullet holes juxtaposed harshly against the pristine white walls; tarps and equipment cluttered the walkways as cleanup crews continued to rebuild many of the storefronts and office buildings.

Every head turned as Shepard strode past. A full set of armor was a rare sight in this part of the station and didn't fit with her normal preference for discretion, but the last time a council member asked to speak to her - all hell had broken loose.  
"You can't think of any reason why Tevos would need to speak to me in private?"  
Her companion shook her head slowly, "I hope it is the final piece we need for the Crucible, but if it is, I don't understand why she would wait this long to tell us."  
They walked in silence for another couple of minutes before Shepard spoke up again, "you don't need to worry about me, you know."  
Liara's look of concern melted into a rueful smile, "am I that easy to read?"  
"I've known you for how many years now? You've always been easy to read."  
"Oh."  
Shepard grimaced at her crestfallen expression, "I didn't mean that as an insult, I appreciate that about you. Sometimes people aren't completely honest with me, but you always are."  
Liara laughed softly, "I am not sure those two are completely related, but thank you."  
"I mean it, Liara, I'm grateful for your friendship. I don't know if I've ever said that to you, but it's true."  
"Thank you, I value our friendship as well. That is why I worry for you. I always have, ever since I touched your mind and viewed the prothean images."  
Shepard shook her head, flicking her fingers as if brushing away a minor annoyance, "I've lived with the beacon, the cypher, and god-knows what else in my brain for this long, I'm fine."  
"What if you are not?"  
"Liara-"  
"No! Listen to me, Shepard. What if you are not 'fine'. The beacon, that artifact in Dr. Kenson's lab, everything. What if it is starting to affect you? What if-"  
Liara jumped back to keep from tripping as her friend swung around, eyes flashing.  
"What if it is, what am I supposed to do then? The reapers are still winning, my home is still burning, what do you suggest I do?" She turned stiffly, absently kicking the bench next to her, "I know you're worried, but are you trying to provide solutions or perpetuate fear?"  
The asari stuttered, eyes wide. "I...I'm sorry, I didn't know if you...I just...I wanted to help-" the words trailed off lamely and she glanced away.  
"I know you were trying to help, and yes, I've thought about. Of course I've thought about it! I feel like I'm going insane sometimes," Shepard sighed, shaking her head, "but I can't do anything about it. I need to do my job, and I need to do it quickly, ok?"  
Liara nodded solemnly, "Alright, commander. Let's talk to Councilor Tevos and finish this."  


* * *

  
The Temple of Athame lay eerily quiet.  
A chill ran up Kaidan's spine as his body registered the drastic temperature difference between the temple and the rocky cliffs outside. Thessia was known for its beauty, from awe-inspiring landscape to the lavish cities, and this religious center was no exception. Glossy blue columns rested every ten feet around the outside wall, each pinnacle tapering several stories above them. The pedestals cluttering the center of the main chamber featured various artifacts balanced precariously on their rough hewn surfaces. In the very center of the farthest wall, a marble figure towered over the room; its glossy finish sculpted into a beautiful asari, face lifted in supplication.  
Kaidan drifted towards the statue, mouth open in awe.  
"The Goddess Athame," Liara stepped to his side, a small grin of pride on her face, "ever watchful over Thessia."  
"So when you say  _by-the-Goddess_ , this is her?"  
"Indeed."  
"She's beautiful."  
"Seriously, major," a sharp voice broke into his reverie, "are you drooling over a sculpture?"  
Kaidan snapped his head to the left, unsure of the bite in Shepard's tone, but the delicate giggle of the asari behind him allayed his concern.  
"No, ma'am, I'm simply trying to be respectful towards Liara's religion. Something you could obviously work on.  
"Hmph," she turned with a snort, "why don't you just find the artifact Tevos told us about."  


* * *

  
The Illusive Man's glowing figure paced back and forth in front of them, staring greedily at the Prothean VI.  
"Why kill what you can control," he rasped, "in that aspect the reapers are correct."  
Kaidan shifted stiffly as Shepard argued with the holo-image. He kept the commander in his peripheral vision, but his pistol remained fixed on the smirking assassin in the shadows beyond.  
Kai Leng's eyes twinkled, and Kaidan gritted his teeth in annoyance. Obviously, this had been a trap.  
Shepard's voice broke into his thoughts and he concentrated on the heated exchange, "you're indoctrinated! We can't control them. The reapers are telling you what they want you to hear!"  
A sharp laugh rippled across the Illusive Man's haughty face, "maybe I could say the same about you. The reapers could be twisting your thoughts, forcing you to fight a war that can't be won."  
A brief expression of concern twisted Shepard's face and Kaidan hesitated, torn between keeping an eye on the physical threat and supporting her against a mental one - but before he could decide, she shook her head slowly, visibly shaking off the doubt.  
"You're wrong, the reapers are destroying us. They won't stop till they've wiped out everyone in the galaxy. You are playing right into their hands."  
"Don't act like you know me," rage flared across the glowing face, "I've been fighting the reapers longer than anyone. I know their methods, I've seen their thoughts. You will  _never_  be more qualified to make this decision."  
Shepard turned away, shaking her head in derision, "all you've done is slowed us down, hindered us every step of the way. Forgive me if I don't believe you have humanity's best interest in mind."  
A shaking hand jabbed a finger towards her back, "I've sacrificed more for humanity than you will EVER know! I won't stand here and waste my time with this fruitless argument."  
As the image blinked out, the Illusive Man's voice issued one more command, "Leng, bring me the prothean data. Kill anyone who tries to stop you."


	29. Destruction

Debris rained down around her as she crawled carefully to the edge of the fissure. A small chunk of marble slammed into her shoulder, radiating pain down her arm, and Shepard cursed her shields for failing during that last blast.  
The hall fell silent as the deafening hum of the gunship faded, and her stomach twisted with the knowledge that Kai Leng had escaped.  
"Kaidan! Liara!" Her voice echoed in the empty room as she searched the darkness below, tiny pieces of flooring crumbling off the edge as she shifted. A faint cough caught her ear and she scrambled for the tactical light on her rifle, flipping it to its highest setting.  
Broken artifacts and shattered glass littered the shaft below, sparkling against the dirt. Several massive slabs from the temple's concrete floor jutted up at odd angles, each miraculously bracing the next and holding them steady. Just under this overhang, she saw her teammates struggling to their knees.  
"We're down here, commander," Kaidan called, helping Liara to her feet.  
"Are you alright?"  
"Yeah, nothing serious. Give me a second to find us a way up."

Jae paced nervously as she watched them feel for handholds in the broken concrete. The Illusive Man would pay for this. Even if it was the last thing she did, he would pay. Every moment the Crucible remained unfinished meant more death, more destruction, and she'd practically handed him the one piece they needed to finish it.  
" _Can anyone hear us? We're trapped, they-"_  a garbled voice rang out, and she pressed her communicator closer to her ear, struggling to make out the transmission, "- _us pinned down...anyone left out there!"_  
"This is Commander Shepard, where are you?"  
" _Please! Is...out there...need assistance!"_  
Shepard gritted her teeth in frustration as she realized the soldier on the other end couldn't hear her.  
" _We're being overrun, they've...out the rest of...we need...Oh Goddess! It's a reaper!"_  
"Shepard!"  
Jae turned in time to see her friend's pale face appear over the edge, and she knew Liara had heard the distress call as well.  
"I'm so sorry, there's nothing I can do."  
"No! We have to try!"  
"We're too far away, they're gone."  
Liara threw herself up over the edge, then leapt to her feet, dashing blindly towards the entrance. Her teammates paused only a moment before hurrying after her.  
Unbelievable destruction greeted them. Fires burned on every surface, the smoke thick and black.  
Shepard placed a gentle hand on Liara's shoulder, meeting her tear-filled eyes with a sympathetic gaze. They stood together in silence, watching reaper after reaper descend, and massive red energy tear into the planet's beautiful landscape.

An asari and two humans - the three solitary witnesses to Thessia's final evening.

* * *

  
Kaidan knew enough about relationships to slouch on the bed in silence as Shepard paced the cabin angrily.  
For the last half hour the Illusive Man had been subjected to every derogatory term known to man, including a handful of turian ones she'd picked up from Garrus, and one or two of Tali's favorite insults.  
Eventually, her knowledge of expletives waned, as did her energy. With a final curse, she sank unceremoniously to the carpet, back against the door.  
"I swear I'm going to kill him, Kaidan. If I get the chance, I will look him straight in the eye as I pull the trigger." She closed her eyes wearily and leaned her head back.  
"How did the asari councilor take the news?"  
"Badly," her eyes were still closed, but the single word answer spoke volumes.  
"They'd already targeted Thessia full force, there wasn't anything you could have done to prevent it."  
"I could have made their deaths count for something. Now we're just floating dead in space. No leads, nothing to help us finish the crucible, we're out of options."  
Kaidan slipped off the bed, and crossed the room. Reaching the door, he held out a hand, "I seem to recall another time, on a different Normandy, when everything seemed hopeless."  
Shepard opened her eyes, lips twitching into a faint smile as he gently pulled her to her feet, "this does seem rather familiar, although we're missing Joker's great sense of timing."  
She leaned into his strong embrace, pressing him back a step with the ferocity of her sudden kiss. He responded immediately, wrapping both arms tightly around her waist as they allowed frustration to rule their emotions.  
After a moment he stepped back, gently breaking the tight grip her hands had on his neck.  
"That wasn't what I meant," the words rasped against his throat, and he cleared it loudly as he tried to catch his breath, "I was trying to say that we'll figure this out, just like last time."  
Shepard chuckled, "I knew what you meant," she stepped forward, resting a hand on his chest as her voice deepened playfully, " and I think you understood what I meant as well."  
Kaidan hesitated only a second before wrapping a strong hand around the back of her neck and recapturing her lips with his.

"Commander," a single word echoed loudly over the intercom.  
The outraged look that crossed Shepard's face was priceless, and Kaidan bit down on his lip to cover the laughter threatening to escape.  
"What is it, Traynor?"  
Clenched teeth did little to cover the annoyance in her tone, and the voice that responded rang with worry, "I'm so sorry, commander, is this a bad time? I found something I thought was important and I called you right away. I didn't think that it would be a problem, and I-"  
"Traynor, just tell me what you need," Shepard rolled her eyes at Kaidan, who was still chuckling under his breath.  
"Well, we found a signal, EDI and I, well, actually I found it and EDI helped me figure out where-"  
"Traynor!"  
"Oh, ok, um, sorry! We think we might know where to search for the Illusive Man."


	30. Kill

A blue world glowed around him as he opened his eyes. Every nerve, every piece of him burned with a fire-like intensity.  
Clawed hands reached out, searching for familiarity.  _Was that his hand?_   _That blackened, criss-crossed shell?_  The fingers bumped against smooth glass. He was in a cage, a glass tube. Claws curled into fists as panic rose in his throat.  _Thunk._  Both hands impacted the wall, beating against the glass. No pain, no pressure, his hands had no feeling. The only sensation touching his brain was the fire within him, hot and sharp; his entire body burned.

_**Dark. Hot. Destroy. Death. Pain. Slave. Numb. KILL.** _

His eyes refocused and though he'd only blacked out for a minute, he panted from exertion. Fists continued to pound against the glass, though he couldn't remember willing them to do so.  
Noise sounded to the right. Muffled footsteps. A woman stepped into view. Dark armor, bright hair. She cocked her head slightly, frowning.  
"Over here! This one's awake," the woman called over her shoulder.  
Two figures appeared behind her, a man and a women of blue. He thought he'd seen that color skin before, but as he tried to remember, his brain burned hot - shooting streaks of pain through his temple.  
"Uuungh-" he groaned weakly, grabbing his head in both hands as he hunched low, wrapping his body down over his knees.  
A second female voice spoke up, her words mixed with the sounds of a console she was accessing, "the power shut off before this tank could finish the transformation cycle."  
"He's not a husk?" a deeper voice this time.  
"Not completely."  
"Can we help him?" the first voice spoke up again.  
"I do not think so."  
"So we leave him behind to die in that cage?"  
"He is much too dangerous, Shepard. We do not know how much of his mind has been destroyed."  
The voices quieted, leaving his world in eery silence again.  
He lifted his head from his knee, peering out through the glass. The woman stood alone, forehead creased, her lips pulled down into a frown. He met her gaze carefully, and long seconds passed as they stared at each other.  
She sighed, shaking her head slightly as she came to a decision and stepped towards the console. Soft tones chimed and the glass inched aside slowly, leaving an opening barely two feet wide.  
He hesitated, staring at the door then back at the woman.  
He crawled forward.  
Searing fire burned up each leg, but he persisted, squeezing through the glass panes.  
The woman smiled hesitantly as he straightened slowly to his feet, suddenly unsure of himself.  
Gunfire reverberated across the room, and several voices called out at once.  
"Shepard!"  
"Banshee!"  
The woman turned to look.  
High pitched screeching clawed at his ears, blinding his senses with hot white light. Pain stabbed at his brain, drilling one continuous word.

**Kill. Kill. Kill.**

* * *

  
Kaidan winced as the haunting scream filled the room. He felt a slight movement touch his shoulder and knew that Liara had crouched down next to him. Despite the mind-numbing cry, his heightened senses registered her ragged breathing and the triple- _click_ of her pistol as she jammed a fresh thermal clip into the side.  
The room quieted for a second and he twisted partially out of cover, sending several rounds hurtling towards the advancing asari mutant.  
"Where's Shepard?" he muttered in frustration as he ducked back behind the desk.  
A subtle pop vibrated around them as the banshee disappeared, and Liara anxiously strained her neck to scan the room.  
"I don't know," she mumbled distractedly.  
With a flash and a screech the hulking figure reappeared ten feet closer and the asari hurled a bolt of blue energy towards it, "check behind us, I can handle this."  
Kaidan rolled to the side, hunching below the row of desks as he doubled back.

* * *

  
Shepard sprawled on her back, blood streaming down her face as she struggled against the deformed creature that clawed at her. Sharp grayish fingernails slashed towards her forehead a second time and she cried out in pain, slamming a fist into the side of the husk's neck. He screeched in anger, blue eyes glowing maniacally, and she slammed a second blow along the side of his head. The mutant reared back, raising a withered arm just as a bullet impacted his chest, hurling him off her prone form.  
Black sludge exploded in all directions, splattering across Shepard's armor.  
She rolled carefully onto her hands and knees and glanced up as Kaidan stepped forward into view, rifle aimed at the smoking remains beside her.  
"Alright?" he asked cautiously, eyes narrowing at the amount of blood dripping down her neck.  
"Fine."  
She swiped at the deep cut above her eye, smearing blood and sludge across her face.  
A blue explosion rocked the room and the mind-numbing scream cut off mid shriek, leaving a terrifying silence in its wake.  
Kaidan held out a hand and heaved Shepard to her feet just as Liara jogged around the corner, a proud grin stretched across her face.


	31. Answers

"Thank you for coming, major."  
Dr. Chakwas activated the lock on the door behind her and waved towards the medical console where Liara sat, "please have a seat."  
Kaidan leaned against the desk as he glanced back and forth between the two doctors, unwilling to read anything into the expressions.  
"Progress?" he asked cautiously.  
Liara folded her hands daintily in her lap, "Dr. Chakwas and I have been researching the biometric patterns we pulled from Shepard's helmet. We believe we may have an answer."  
She glanced towards the other woman before clearing her throat, "I've had a suspicion for a while now, but no way of testing the theory. Most of the data that was gathered while Shepard worked with Cerberus was uploaded then scrubbed when the Normandy transferred back to the Alliance."  
Chakwas joined in, "my medical records were confiscated as part of the investigation. When Shepard asked me to rejoin her I gathered what I could, but was only able to pull the most vital information."  
Kaidan nodded patiently as Liara continued the explanation, but inside he tensed, preparing for bad news.  
"The experiments conducted on Horizon were most enlightening. I was able to gather quite a few readings. We compared the brain activity of the, uh, subjects with the data from Shepard's helmet. Both fortunately and unfortunately, there was a match."  
"You think she's indoctrinated?" Kaidan's chest tightened and for a split second he couldn't breathe, "you think she's being controlled by the reapers?"  
"No, not indoctrinated-" Liara paused for a moment to gather her thoughts before huffing in frustration, "-honestly we don't know what to think."  
"But you just said her brain matched the husks!"  
"It was a very slight match, just enough to confirm that what is happening to her is similar." She stood quickly and began pacing the room, "if Shepard was indoctrinated like the husks, quickly and completely, she would be out of control; she would be unable to form any of her own thoughts. Saren and, we believe, the Illusive Man were indoctrinated slowly, and as the transformation happened they became more and more intent on helping the reapers. They didn't realize it themselves, but it was obvious to those around them. I believe we can safely say Shepard is not showing any of those signs either."  
"Agreed," Dr. Chakwas took over, "but the brain patterns we read from her helmet were staggering, almost double what she normally experiences. At first I thought it was simply a side effect of the prothean beacon and cipher, and exacerbated by stress. Our technology when she first encountered the beacon was nowhere near as accurate as we have now, but even with the patchy data it's pretty obvious, when you compare the two, that this is much different."  
Kaidan groaned inwardly as a familiar sharp twinge ran up the jawline to his temple, and when Liara jumped back in, he held up a steady hand.  
"Liara," he said as calmly as possible, "I trust that you've researched this thoroughly. Please just tell me what you think is wrong with Shepard."  
The asari's mouth snapped shut mid-sentence and she nodded, grimacing in discomfort.  
"It is only a theory, I do not have nearly enough evidence to prove it, but I believe the reapers have been trying to indoctrinate Shepard since they first discovered her intent to destroy them."  
Liara started pacing again, this time more slowly, "over the past four years, she has been exposed to more reaper technology than any person I know of. Each instance only lasted a short length of time, a fact for which we can be very thankful, but even small encounters could start to affect you over four years. If Shepard were any other person, I think she would already be lost to us, but she's unique. My brief endeavors to interpret the prothean beacon left me physically weak and mentally exhausted, but she's carried that information in her head for this long and maintained her sanity. When I joined with her mind, I could feel her strength. The sheer control and presence of mind was intimidating, she was - I don't know how to explain it- she was closed off."  
The asari paused, casting about for a metaphor that would clearly describe the experience, "if I joined my mind with yours right now, it would be as if I were walking down a long hallway. I could enter any room I wish and examine the contents. With Shepard, the doors were locked. I could glance in the window, see the memories from afar, but never get close. I believe it is this unconscious ability that has kept her safe."  
The twinge was quickly developing into a full migraine, and Kaidan dropped wearily into the vacated chair, "that doesn't explain why she's acting irrationally."  
"She's been fighting indoctrination for a long time, her stress levels are beyond dangerous, and she's not sleeping. The strain has to be wearing on her mind.  _That_  is likely what is causing her altered behavior."  
"Alright," he stood, absentmindedly rubbing his neck, "so that's not entirely bad then. If we keep her stress level down and make sure she sleeps well, she'll be better?"  
The two women glanced at each other hesitantly, concern in their eyes.  
"There is one more thing, major," Dr. Chakwas spoke up, "the voices she's claimed to hear. At first we thought it was simply proximity to reaper technology causing havoc; but as we further discussed it, we realized it's likely that the reapers are actively trying to communicate with her. If they know she's close to defeating them, they could be using every opportunity to wear her down." Her eyes softened in reluctance, "we need to be prepared for the possibility that they might succeed."  
Kaidan stared at her in horror as he processed the new information, "is there anything we can do?"  
"We are so close," Liara said softly, "the crucible is almost finished, and Shepard is the only one who can end this war. We can help her most by continuing to do what we have always done - work as a team and watch her back."  
"What do I tell her? She deserves to know what's wrong with her!"  
"Kaidan, I...I think she already does."  


* * *

  
Kaidan trudged slowly down the corridor to his living space, mind swirling with everything he'd just learned. His stomach churned at the vicious pounding in his temple. Halfway to the door his vision blurred and he paused, leaning against the wall to catch his breath. This migraine showed signs of being the worst he'd had in awhile. When his room finally came into focus, he stumbled forward, clumsily activating the control.  
All thoughts of his own pain receded as he stepped into the room and saw its occupant.  
She sat dejectedly on the floor by the large window, her shoulder wedged into the corner, cheek resting against the glass. She didn't move when he entered, and it wasn't until he settled silently beside her that she spoke.  
"I chose this."  
"Chose what?"  
"All of this, everything that's happened. Maybe not at first, but once I knew what was going on - I chose to accept the responsibility. Every step of the way, I've made the decision to continue because it was the right thing to do. I knew there'd be losses, that we'd lose battles, lose friends. I was prepared for that. I wasn't expecting to lose myself." Her voice softened and he strained to make out the words, "we might win this war, but even if we destroy them, I've already lost."  
"Don't say that," Kaidan spoke up in frustration, "that's what they want! They want you afraid. That's how their game works!"  
"You think I'm scared of the reapers?!" Shepard turned, a hard glint in her eyes, "I'm not afraid of them, Kaidan, they won't take me down without a fight. I'm not giving in, I'm just accepting the truth. I know what's coming and I'm still choosing to do it."  
She turned back to the window, "I keep thinking about that husk on Horizon. He was lucid, desperate for help. I could see the gratitude in his eyes when I opened the door, when he realized he was free. He was human. And then he wasn't. Two seconds, that's all it took. I glanced away for two seconds and he became someone else. What if that happens to me? I'm not afraid of the reapers, I'm afraid of myself. What I might do, who I might hurt. That terrifies me."  
He placed a hand on her knee, gripping it tightly, "we're all with you, Shepard, no matter what. We're going to take them down once and for all, and I'll be by your side every step of the way. I won't let you do anything you might regret."  
"Promise me, Kaidan, promise you'll be there."  
"I promise," he drew her close, settling her head down onto his shoulder, "and when we're done, we're going back to earth, to Vancouver. We're going to buy a house. You're going to have a piece of solid ground to call home."  
Shepard's lips curved into a weary smile and she closed her eyes, "I'd like that."


	32. Mend

The video log blinked into focus as a face appeared. Ashen skin belying too little sleep, dark circles under her eyes distracting against the pale face. She glanced down as if in thought, shaking her head slowly before grimacing and lifting her head slightly to stare into the camera. 

> _I'm hoping you'll never see this message, but I figured I should record it just in case the worst happens. I'm giving this to EDI, she's our AI on the Normandy, she should be able to get it to you._  
>  _There's so much I need to say, that I want to say. Ten years-worth of conversations, and I'm trying to fit it all into a single message._

The face pulled closer as she drew her legs up onto the chair, propping the omni-tool clad arm onto both knees. 

> _I'm sorry I never contacted you after I, well, became not dead. I was a mess, It-it wasn't a good time to have this conversation; but now the galaxy's gone to shit and I realize family is the only thing we have in the world. You and my crew, that's all I have left. You're why I'm still fighting._  
>  _You'd love them, especially Garrus. He's tough, like you, and he's always had my back. His dad's some turian military brass, so he grew up in that shadow; somehow it made him better, made him stronger, pushed him farther. He was so conflicted when I first met him, so frustrated and angry with the inaction he saw around him. It's amazing to see how far he's come._  
>  _Tali's like a kid sister. Funny in a sweet, dorky sort of way. You want to laugh at her naiveté but if anyone threatened her, you'd fight to the death to protect her._  
>  _Liara is, well, I think I can say she's my best friend. She's wise and bold, yet kind. It took her so long to understand humans. Baffling her with our odd sayings and strange views became a game we played on a daily basis. Of course, that was back when everything seemed so simple, when we were just chasing a crazy turian._  
>  _Joker is like the little brother I never had. Obnoxious, sarcastic, egotistical. Ridiculously loyal. He's been my one constant. The first and last by my side._  
>  _I wish you could've met Ashley, she was your kind of soldier. A fighter. Honestly, it's probably good you never met her, you'd have wished she was your daughter instead of me._
> 
> _I- I'm sorry, that was uncalled for. I know why you were disappointed when I accepted the implant, when I decided to train as a biotic. Believe me, it wasn't an easy decision, but it was the one I made. After dad died, I was so lost, I...I had to move on. I had to change SOMETHING about my life instead of standing still, following the mold. I guess I never told you that. You probably thought I did it to get back at you or something, to turn my back on family tradition._  
>  _God, I shouldn't be dragging up the past like this. I guess that's what I get for rambling on._
> 
> _There is one person that I'm truly sad you might not get a chance to meet. He's...special. I know, your daughter waited until she was thirty-two to have her first real boyfriend._  
>  _You of all people should know what it's like. Always moving, always looking ahead for your next orders, your next ship, your next level of command. There isn't room for anything else. You told me yourself, when you and dad would fight, that marrying a military man was the worst mistake you'd ever made. I know you were just saying that out of frustration, but it stuck. I was determined to be married to my career, and for a long time it worked. While everyone else was requesting posts near family, or trying to maintain long distance relationships, I was working my ass off for promotions. But then he came along, and made me want something different._  
>  _He wants to move back to Vancouver, to be close to his parents. I've thought a lot about not re-enlisting, about moving on if we're all still alive at the end of this. I always thought I'd be in for life, but a house and a quiet job sounds wonderful right now. Who knows, maybe we'll even start a family. I know, I know, that's a terrifying thought._
> 
> _Hopefully, in a couple days, I can delete this message and hunt you down to have this conversation in person. We can finally talk about dad. I know we've ignored that topic for years, but I think it's time. You can tell me everything you've done in the last ten years, and I'll have one hell of a story to share._

Her face tightened, and she glanced down in discomfort as she searched for the right words to conclude the message.

> _I-_  
>  _I love you, Mom._  
>  _I'll talk to you soon._


	33. Catalyst

The room glowed orange as they entered, a large console and single chair its sole occupants. The distant fiery planet, visible through a massive observation window, reflected fiercely against an obsidian floor.  
Shepard twisted slowly, sweeping the area. "Check that console," she commanded softly, "quickly."  
Liara settled into the seat, fingers flying over the keys as glowing words cycled rapidly across the translucent vertical screen.  
"Did you find it?"  
"A little longer, Shepard."  
"Hurry, this place gives me the creeps."

"Shepard," a derisive voice purred, "get that asari filth out of my chair."  
They spun in unison, three pistols aimed directly at the blue glow emanating from the center of the room.  
"Illusive Man, couldn't face us in person?" Shepard glared at the hologram, shaking her head in disgust. "You're still a coward after all this time."  
He chuckled, pinching a cigarette between two fingers as he exhaled a plume of smoke, "I prefer cautious. I've been called many things in my life, even  _coward_  a few times, but words don't inflict pain unless one chooses to believe them. You can taunt me all you like, I know what I've done for our people."  
"What you've done?" she choked on the words, swallowing back the rage that boiled up inside. "Our people are dying by the thousands while we play foolish games. I come here, you show up first. I go over there, your people do too and we waste time fighting each other. How many lives could we have saved if we'd worked together from the beginning?" Her palms itched against the smooth surface of the pistol, fingers clenching in an innate desire to destroy something.  
A warm hand gripped her shoulder, squeezing gently.  _Stay calm_ , the touch said,  _I've got your back._  
The glowing figure cocked his head, brow furrowed in mock confusion, "I tried to help you, Shepard. I brought you back to life, gave you a team, gave you a mission. I believed your story when no one else would. Then  _you_  turned on  _me_. Stole my ship, took those most loyal to me, and returned to the Alliance. You ran back to those pretentious archaic admirals with their heads so far up their asses they couldn't see the dire threat on their doorstep." The handsome face sneered in derision, "what did they do when you returned? Pin a medal on you? Roll out the red carpet and shake your hand? Did they even believe you? No! Even some of your own crew turned on you," he glanced pointedly towards the figure at her side, and the hand on her shoulder tightened.  
"That doesn't matter anymore, none of it matters," Shepard's voice lowered menacingly, "your past assistance won't influence my decision. Right now you're doing everything in your power to help the reapers."  
"I'm not helping the reapers! I simply want to control them, to harness their power, to make a better world. Imagine what that would mean for humanity. We would be lifted up, taking our rightful place above those races who scheme to keep us underfoot. The haughty asari, with their lavish temples and superior biotics; the hot-tempered tur-"  
The glowing image blinked out, leaving a harsh silence in its absence.  
Shepard glanced about in confusion, her gaze shifting past Kaidan towards Liara, who had silently returned to the console during the exchange. The asari shrugged, fingers dancing across the keys once more.  
"I grew tired of listening. He is, as I believe Joker would say, an  _ass-hat_."  
Shepard chuckled in relief, resisting the urge to remove her helmet and run a shaky hand across her sweaty brow. She stepped towards the screen, squinting to decipher the countless words and images splashed across the flickering surface.  
"You find anything? Where's the prothean VI?"  
"The unit itself has been destroyed, dismantled for study, but I was able to access the data they pulled from it."  
Several familiar images appeared to one side and Kaidan leaned forward in confusion, "the Citadel?"  
"According to the VI, it appears the Citadel is the catalyst."  
"Of course!" Shepard breathed, "those sneaky bastards. The Citadel is reaper-made, it's the only thing powerful enough!"  
"The information is here. We must take the crucible to the Citadel and the rest should be simple. I can put all-"  
Liara trailed off as a scrolling alert caught her eye, "we have a problem, commander."  
Shepard leaned over her shoulder to read the small lines of text, "what is it?"  
"An outgoing transmission from this console activated right before we arrived. _Goddess_ , they have the Catalyst!"  
"Cerberus?"  
"The reapers, he sent them everything."  
"Damn him!"  
_"Uh, commander?"_ a concerned voice sounded in her ear.  
"Go ahead, Joker."  
_"We just received an urgent message from Admiral Hackett. It's the Citadel, it, uh, it moved?"_  
Two pairs of eyes turned to her, burning with frustration.  
"It's too late," Liara breathed.  
"No!" Shepard growled, the words echoing harshly in the empty room, "it's never too late. Joker, where exactly is the Citadel right now?"  
_"It just exited the relay to Sol. Hackett thinks it's heading towards earth."_  
"Get ready for extraction, we're done here."  
_"Yes, ma'am."_


	34. Control

"You will always be one step behind, Shepard."  
"You son of a-" Shepard spun in annoyance, but the expletive died on her lips. The figure once again stood in the middle of the room, but the bluish glow that normally radiated off his skin was conspicuously absent.  
"Surprised?" he sneered in amusement.  
"What about your lofty words about caution? I could kill you right now!"  
"Would you enjoy that? To gun me down? You'd probably even consider yourself a hero, wouldn't you?"  
"Not just me, countless people would be better off if you were dead."  
"Perhaps, or perhaps you've fooled yourself into thinking that." He shook his head sadly, "regardless, I'm not careless enough to come here alone," the shadows shifted slightly and a second figure stepped out of the darkness, "I believe you've already met Mr. Leng?"  
Kaidan stepped to her side, shoulders tensing at the added threat.  
"So, you kill us, and then what?" Shepard asked, "the reapers have the catalyst, you told them about it! What's your excuse for that? What's your twisted reason for handing over the one thing that could save us all? You can't still believe you're going to control them?"  
"I-" the Illusive Man looked confused for a moment, before shaking himself, "of course it's all part of my plan."  
"You're indoctrinated, they're controlling you!"  
"I'm not! I'm trying to defeat them!"  
"I saw a security feed in one of the medical labs, a video of your surgery. You put that technology in your head!"  
"That was necessary! All our research, all the data we received from Sanctuary - we've discovered a way to control their armies. With these implants, I can turn every husk, every abomination against the reapers!"  
"No, you can't!" Shepard lowered her gun slightly, infusing her words with every last ounce of persuasion she had, "why can't you see that?"  
"You're lying!" His hand shifted slightly revealing a small pistol, "I can't be indoctrinated!"  
Kaidan and Liara moved as one, pushing forward as Kai Leng jumped in front of his boss - blue energy rippling from his hand into a shield.  
A gunshot rang out, echoing across the room, and Leng's outstretched hand wavered for a moment. The shield flickered slightly before fizzling out as he toppled sideways, eyes blank.  
The room froze, all sound snuffed out as its occupants paused in stunned silence. Shepard, her team crouched in front of her, and the Illusive Man, arm raised, a wisp of smoke curling from the gun he clenched in his fist.  
"He'd become unnecessary," the haughty figure shrugged in indifference, head dipped slightly as he studied the body on the ground. "A shame really, he was a pleasant upgrade to Miranda, but he was going to kill you, Shepard, and we couldn't let that happen."  
"But," she blinked rapidly, confusion overwhelming any ability to make sense of his words, " _you_  brought him here to kill me!"  
"Ah, yes," he straightened slightly, meeting her gaze, and she shuddered as she realized his enhanced eyes now glowed an ominous red, "we did, but plans change. Killing you is too easy, too hollow. We see that now."  
The Illusive Man stepped back, cradling the gun in both hands, "it is time for you to go."  
"What do they want?" she asked frantically, "tell me, and I can help you!"  
"This vessel has served its purpose," the barrel of the gun swung upwards, pressing against his temple.  
Blood spattered across the dark tiles.  


* * *

  
"I don't like this," Garrus snarled, curling a talon around the rifle in his hand, "they should've killed you when they had a chance. Why did they hesitate?"  
"I agree," Tali spoke up, "they  _want_  you down there."  
"You cannot go, Shepard," Liara paced the room, wringing her hands nervously, "it is too dangerous. We can help Anderson retake the Citadel without you."  
Shepard sat in silence as her team expressed multiple reasons to keep her on the Normandy when they reached Earth. She glanced slowly around the conference room, desperate to memorize each face, until her gaze fell on the one member who hadn't said a word. He stood across from her, arms crossed, eyes solemn as he stared at the table.  
He glanced up as she studied him, meeting her questioning expression with a sad smile. He wouldn't try to convince her to hide on the ship, to cower in the face of unknown dangers.  
Because he respected her enough to stay silent.  
Because he knew her better than anyone in the room.  
Because he understood.

She had to go.


	35. Promise

"I'm alright!" Kaidan coughed violently, "just banged up a bit." Blood poured from the gash in his forehead, matting his wavy hair. He heaved himself to his feet, wincing as he put weight on his right leg, "where's Garrus?"  
Shepard spun around, horrified that she'd forgotten one friend in her concern for the other. The turian lay in a twisted heap on the other side of the flipped Mako; his leg jutted out in an odd direction and she realized he was pinned under the left wheel base.  
"Get ready to roll him out," Kaidan directed, "it might shift and crush him when I lift."  
A blue halo rippled down his arms as he concentrated, and a faint buzz hummed in the air. The Mako's metal hull vibrated as it glowed with energy. Ever so slowly, the vehicle shifted, lifting inch by inch. She wrapped both hands around Garrus's shoulders and when there was just enough clearance, heaved back.  
"Normandy, do you copy?" Kaidan's voice sounded in her ear, strained with worry, "we need an evac, right now!"  
_"We're taking heavy fire up here,"_  Joker's voice crackled over the poor connection,  _"it'll take a minute."  
_ Shepard peered around the wreckage, counting the wave of husks advancing from the massive beam of light. Sliding her pistol into the matching groove on her leg, she flexed her fingers in the armored-mesh gloves, welcoming the familiar warm tingle in her arms as her biotics warmed up. The husks shrieked as they lumbered closer, drawn by the smell of Garrus's blood, and just as they reached the halfway point, Shepard dove from cover, braced herself on one knee, and shoved both hands forward. The massive shockwave of energy she released slammed into the horde, lobbing them in all directions.  
"The path to the beam is clear  _right now_ ," she called as she scrambled back behind the Mako. "When the Normandy gets here, get Garrus on it and get the hell out of here."  
"That's not going to happen, Shepard," Kaidan clenched his jaw in anger, "I'm not letting you go up there alone!"  
"Kaidan, I wasn't asking."  
She saw his eyes tighten, and worked to soften her tone, "I have to go  _now_ , and I need you to stay with Garrus."  
"I wasn't asking either, Jae," her first name sounded so foreign on his lips that any argument died in her throat, "I made you a promise. When Normandy arrives I'll get Garrus to safety, but then I'm coming after you."  
His voice rang with finality and Shepard simply nodded, placing a gloved palm on the side of his face before sprinting towards the beam.  


* * *

  
Shepard's head pounded, the smell of rotten meat and incense swirling in her senses and clouding her mind. She breathed heavily as each step jarred her cracked ribs. The bridge over the chasm stretched out before her, seeming endless. How had Anderson beat her here? His convoy had been cut off from the rest when they made the final push, and he'd radioed that he didn't think he was going to make it through.  
"Anderson," her voice came out in a gasp, "how'd you manage to get here in time?"  
"Hold on, I see something," his voice crackled over her earpiece, "a control panel, maybe. I'm going to-"  
The transmission cut off in a garbled mess.  
"Anderson? Anderson!" Shepard doubled her pace, breathing as deeply as she could and ignoring the added pain. "Damn it!"  
A few more steps and she reached the top of the walkway. A small circular platform jutted out, bathed in red light, and in the middle of the platform glowed a small console with the admiral hunched over it.  
She lunged towards him, shuffling forward a few steps before realizing something was terribly wrong. He wasn't working on the console, simply standing next to it as though dazed.  
"Anderson!"  
His body lurched and he turned slowly, arms extended, eyes glazed.  
The rotting stench intensified, filling Shepard's lungs, and she fell to her knees, retching.  
"I underestimated you, Shepard," a smooth voice swirled in her brain, mocking her weakness, "you've truly surprised me. But I did warn you, control _is_ the means to survival."  
"Illusive Man!" the words that escaped her throat sounded garbled, unintelligible.  
Something stirred in her brain, a faint memory struggling to break free. Something was wrong, the Illusive Man shouldn't be here, but why?  
The memory surged, then faded, slipping through her grasp.  
"Control of the reapers," the voice continued, "and of you, if necessary."  


* * *

  
Kaidan staggered through a corpse littered hall. The room glowed red, a jarring hue that stabbed at his brain and threatened a migraine.  
"Shepard? Can you hear me?"  
Only his own sharp breathing answered, and he knew one of their communicators had to be malfunctioning. A stab of pain radiated up his right side as he placed his foot wrong, and he marveled for the hundredth time how lucky he was to have escaped the Mako's destruction with only a bloody leg.  
"Shepard, if you can hear this, I'm coming."  
He reached the far side of the hall just as a wall slid away, revealing a door.  
"I'm in a large chamber. I can't tell how high it goes, but it looks like it has hundreds of levels. This must be the very core of the Citadel."  
Kaidan paused to tighten the bandage he'd wrapped around his thigh, as he studied the room.  
"There's something in the middle, looks like some kind of platform but it's a couple levels up. I'm going to look for a lift."


	36. Dark

_They're controlling you!_  Shepard's voice slurred drunkenly, somewhere up ahead,  _why can't you see that everything you've done, that cerberus has done, has been a lie! It's all a-  
_ Her voice rose sharply before choking off in pain.  
Kaidan lunged forward, ignoring the burning in his side, "Shepard!" The last few feet of the bridge seemed endless.  
The circular platform finally came into view and he stared in confusion. Shepard knelt in the center of an empty room, one arm outstretched - gun aimed at the panel, her other hand clawing at her throat as though drowning.  
He took a frantic step towards her, but froze as the gun jumped in her hand.  
"Anderson!" panic filled her voice, and her hand shook.  
"Shepard," Kaidan pitched his voice as low as he could, "are you alright?"  
She lurched, jerking around to face him. The gun swung, weaving unsteadily to aim at his chest, and he forced himself to breathe slowly, holding as still as possible, "Shepard, it's me-"  
Her voice rang out, harsh and guttural, "you dare to call them sacrifices? You've  _sacrificed_  too much!"  
Kaidan choked back his horror as he focused on her eyes - glazed, dead, her dilated pupils removing all trace of familiar green.  
"You're not yourself anymore," she spat out in disgust, raising the gun slightly, "whatever you thought you were to humanity is gone! They've taken you!"  
"Shepard, no!"  


* * *

  
_There was surprisingly little pain, simply a burning in his side - or was it heat? He pondered this anomaly. Definitely warmth, which made sense because blood was warm, but why was it dripping off his side?_  
_Now he remembered. He was lying on the ground. Shepard had shot him._  
_Laughter bubbled up from his chest, even though he knew it wasn't a sane response. He was dying; she was crazy; the reapers would kill everyone._  
_Why was he laughing?_  
_As a field medic and soldier, he'd seen his fair share of death. Was this how they'd felt? Jenkins? Ashley? Had they laughed when they knew they were going to die?_

Light glinted on the floor next to him and Kaidan struggled to bring his eyes into focus. Something had triggered the outer panels and the large walls surrounding the platform were sliding back, illuminating the room with a beautiful view of earth.  
"We did it-"  
He shifted his head, straining towards the familiar voice. Shepard sat slumped on the ground, her back pressed against the console, lips moving slightly as she murmured to herself.  
"We did it, Anderson-"  
This Shepard wasn't his. He didn't want this hollow shell that wore her face to be his last memory. Dragging his chin back around, he focused on the view outside. Earth glittered, beautiful in its destruction, and Kaidan thought of his parents.  
Darkness pressed at the edge of his vision until he couldn't hold on any longer.  


* * *

  
Metal clanged, jarring Jae from her stupor. The floor beneath her was shifting, rising, jerking to a stop. She staggered to her feet, acutely aware of the pain in her lungs. The smell of rotting flesh had disappeared and she could draw a full breath, but the incense still tickled her nose, strong yet sweet. The cloying scent soothed her nerves, but pounded dully at her skull.  
Hot, bright light flashed before her, and she squinted to make out the small figure standing next to it. It was the boy from the dream, but he glowed a ghostly white.  
" _Wake up,"_  his voice echoed across the expanse, high pitched and innocent, yet mixed with another voice. A familiar voice. A woman's voice.  
" _You must choose."_


	37. Light

"I won't make that choice! I can't force humanity to become half human, it's barbaric!"  
_"Then you have only one logical choice. Destroying us will destroy many others as well, the Crucible does not discriminate."  
_ The rotten stench had returned, filling her nose and stabbing at her brain. Images of EDI and Legion filled her mind and Shepard felt herself slipping, her will pulling towards what the phantom was saying.  
_"Take control of us and you can end the war. We will follow you into peace, no lives need to be lost."  
_ "I...I don't accept that! It's too much power for one person, it's too dangerous." Shepard shook her head, pressing at both temples, "how do I even know you're telling the truth?"  
_"Only YOU are strong enough to control us, to make everything the way you know it should be,"_  as the voice rose in excitement, the childish tones faded. The underlying voice rang out clear and suddenly Shepard understood.  
It was her own voice. Masked by innocence, but still recognizable.  
"No!" she shouted as loud as she could. Painful darkness closed around her, trying to suffocate her as she pushed through and shook her mind free.  
The ghostly image blinked out, and the room came into focus as though she'd never seen it before. Fresh air filled her lungs and no scent, cloying or rotten, tugged at her brain. She stood on a long, thin platform. The walls and ceiling were high and open, giving her an unfettered view of the battle raging outside. At the far end of the walkway stood a single cylindrical construct, with a powerful beam of red energy buzzing around it.  
Shepard took a step forward, lifting her pistol carefully.  
The platform lurched sideways, throwing her sharply to the ground. She maintained a shaky grasp on the weapon, but scrabbled desperately for a handhold as the floor tilted dangerously.  
A thousand voices filled the room, echoing in unison,  _"you won't defeat us! We are too many."_  
The harsh tones grated in her ears and she struggled to make herself heard.  
"If you're so powerful, why did you try to control me? Why did you need to trick me?"  
Locking the pistol back onto her leg, she steadied herself with both hands and slid sideways, inching towards the glowing energy.  
"I stood up to you, I defeated you time and again - that's why you brought me here, isn't it? You didn't want to kill me, you could've let the Illusive Man do that. You wanted to force me into murdering my own people. For what? Revenge? A punishment for all the chaos and destruction I've caused you?"  
The voices cried out in anger, suddenly disjointed and cacophonous.  
"You made one mistake, though," she continued, desperate to keep them distracted, "I'm in here and you're out there. You can control the Citadel, mess with my mind, and throw platforms around, but you can't physically touch me. You failed!"  
Sparks fizzled from somewhere beneath her and the harsh sound of twisting metal rang in her ears. They'd finally recognized what she was doing, but they were too late. Her pistol slid smoothly from its groove, swinging upwards.  
Time froze as Shepard steadied her hand, slowed her heartbeat, and squeezed the trigger.  
The floor gave way, twisting underneath her, and the gun tumbled from her hand. She spiraled downwards, falling into endless space as the world exploded white.


	38. Remembrance

"How do you even begin to describe a soldier like Shepard?" Hackett's voice cracked, his normal calm caving under the weight of grief, "she was like no other."  
The room was full to capacity, many in the back choosing to stand rather than miss the ceremony. Alliance headquarters lay in ruins, London still burned, but they'd found a small church just outside Vancouver that remained unscathed by war.  
Two months had passed since the citadel exploded, sending its energy pulse cascading through the mass relays.  
The reapers were finally dead.  
Reports still trickled in, some colonies slow in making contact, but the future seemed bright. Nothing had been lost. The destructive energy, despite demolishing the citadel and sending wreckage crashing towards earth, had worked as a powerful signal. It had deactivated the reapers, scrambling their systems beyond repair but leaving all mass relays intact.  
Hackett sighed, his eyes straying to the crowd. Diplomats and brass filled the seats. Councilor Valern, Admiral Anderson, Hannah Shepard, and many others; but the front row was filled with a handful of people who knew, better than anyone, what it meant to be apart of Shepard's family. A krogan and a turian. A quarian sitting with a geth. An AI. All symbols of races that no longer needed war or hate.  
He cleared his throat roughly before reciting the final line of the eulogy.  
"We can only strive to be better. To co-exist peacefully. To live up to this gift that we've been given. To never forget the name  _Shepard_."

 

 

 

 


	39. Epilogue

It took days for the fires to burn out. The wreckage of the demolished space station spanned miles, covering everything in a choking gray ash. Alliance rescue crews had arrived immediately, but it wasn't long before every allied race had a representative on the search teams. A grid pattern allowed each two-man team to comb the rubble without overlapping and wasting time, but even so, the search took weeks.  
It was a young human soldier who first noticed the blood - black smudges smeared on the rocks and puddled in the dust.  
"It's over here, too," his quarian partner motioned at the ground a couple feet away. "The pattern is strange, consistent, as if someone was...crawling."  
The blood trail led them a little over a mile before dipping down into a shallow crater.  
The team stopped, frozen by what they saw.  
A body, face charred and damaged, features indiscernible. The skin on one side split and curled as though melted, revealing several metallic implants. A second figure lay in the clearing, the wound in his side smeared black with the same blood that had led them there.  
Two heroes, united forever in death.  
Side by side. Shoulder to shoulder. Hand in hand.  
A promise fulfilled.

 

 

 

 


	40. Author's Notes and Shepard's Playlist

Thank you for taking this journey with me. I thoroughly enjoyed portraying this version of FemShep.  
I love Mass Effect; the story, the people, but most of all I love the freedom to create a completely new story every time I play. Shepard can be a badass with no remorse, kicking butt to get her way; a diplomatic pacifist who only uses violence when threatened; or in the version I chose for this story, a strong leader facing the one thing she wasn't emotionally prepared for- a relationship.  
I like the canonical renegade ending, I choose it every time I play, but the Indoctrination Theory fascinates me. I decided to explore a modified version of it. Shepard's mind is remarkably strong, as we learned in ME1 with the beacon and cipher. Knowing this, how would it hold up under multiple counts of exposure to reaper tech, as well as countless extremely stressful and emotional situations? A normal person under that kind of pressure would shatter, granting easy access and control. A mind as strong as Shepard's fights back, allowing only the slightest amount of suggestion or insanity to get through, and only when in close proximity to the source.  
In the end, I decided the most fitting conclusion saw Commander Shepard resisting reaper control one last time to sacrifice her life for the galaxy; and Kaidan, who'd never be the same if forced to bury her a second time, dying by her side.  
Thanks so much for reading, especially those of you who stuck with me from the beginning.  
Many thanks to BioWare and their writers for creating the amazing story that continues to inspire our creativity.

* * *

This is my playlist for the canonical female Shepard. A collection of songs that remind me of the Commander, and her relationship with Kaidan. Hope you enjoy.

  

> **Overture** _(Sleeping At Last)  
> _ A simple beginning to a heroic life.
> 
> **_Ordinary Human_ ** _(OneRepublic)  
> _ The tragedy on Akuze brought Shepard some exposure, but nothing can prepare you for the fame and responsibility that accompanies the title ‘first human SPECTRE’.
> 
> **_What a Feeling_ ** _(One Direction)  
> _ A song for Kaidan encompassing his entire relationship with her.
> 
> **_Love Me Like You Do_ ** _(Ellie Goulding)  
> _ I don’t think this one needs any explanation, do you?
> 
>  
> 
> **_Castle of Glass_ ** _(Linkin Park)  
> _ Left to die, brought back to life by those she hates, abandoned by the man she loves and those she swore allegiance to - Shepard is a cracked, broken form of her previous self, yet she rises above it, refusing to give up.
> 
> **_Infinity_ ** _(One Direction)  
> _ Kaidan’s song in ME2. Sitting idly by as the love of his life faces grave danger. Wanting to be near her, yet crushed under the pain of her supposed betrayal.
> 
> **_Photograph_ ** _(Ed Sheeran)  
> _ Kaidan’s picture on the desk in ME2.
> 
>  
> 
> **_Atlas_ ** _(Coldplay)  
> _ The image of Atlas balancing that globe on his shoulders is the perfect picture of what Shepard’s life becomes in ME3.
> 
> **_See You Again_ ** _(Wiz Khalifa and Charlie Puth)  
> _ Ashley, Mordin, Thane, Anderson
> 
> **_Break on Me_ ** _(Keith Urban)  
> _ This song is a perfect example of why Kaidan is the only fit for femshep. He’s the steady hand that holds her together, the moral compass that subtly guides her path, and the soft place to land when the world is caving in.
> 
> **_Pluto_ ** _(Sleeping At Last)  
> _ _“Still I’m pinned under the weight  
> _ _Of what I believed would keep me safe.  
> _ _So show me where my armor ends,  
> _ _Show me where my skin begins.”_
> 
> **_Safe & Sound _ ** _(Taylor Swift ft. The Civil Wars)  
> _ One last moment of peace and comfort in Kaidan’s arms, before Shepard faces her final battle.
> 
> **_Mars_ ** _(Sleeping At Last)  
> _ Shepard’s title sequence. A solemn end to a life of greatness.
> 
> **_Remember_ ** _(Josh Groban)  
> _ _“I am the one star that keeps burning so brightly, it is the last light to fade into the rising sun.  
> _ _I'm with you whenever you tell my story, for I am all I've done.  
> _ _Remember, I will still be here as long as you hold me in your memory.”_
> 
> **_Rise_ ** _(Katy Perry)  
> _ _“When the fire's at my feet again and the vultures all start circling,  
> _ _They're whispering, ‘You're out of time',_  
>  _But still I rise._  
>  _This is no mistake, no accident._  
>  _When you think the final nail is in,_  
>  _Think again._  
>  _Don't be surprised,_  
>  _I will still rise."_
> 
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> 
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End file.
